Thursday I finally go to the doctor to see if my cysts have disappeared. If they have, then I think we will be starting IUI round 2. Luckily, the past week & a half have gone by pretty quickly since we have had so much going on. My little sister came home from college yesterday so it has been fun to spend some time with her!! Last night we all went to a movie together & had hot chocolate & Tim Tams after. Tomorrow night we have a big family white elephant party which is always one of my favorite events!!! Our family really gets into it & the gifts are so good (as in weird)!!! Then Thursday I will get off work an hour early so that we can head to the doctor. Wish me luck!!!
This past week I had some ladies come visit me to drop off some Christmas treats & visit. They were aware that I was struggling with getting pregnant & both started telling me stories of people who had tried so hard to get pregnant & after they stopped trying & worrying, they got pregnant right away. Ok, I know they were just trying to be nice but I am SOOOOO tired of people telling me that in order to get pregnant I need to stop worrying or stop trying to get pregnant! I want to be like, "PEOPLE, I HAD BLOCKED FALLOPIAN TUBES, THERE WAS LITERALLY NO WAY FOR ME TO EVEN GET PREGNANT!!!" I have also had so many other suggestions or opinions from others that I could write a book about it. Here are some of the things I have been told (all of which drive me crazy & are of no help at all)!
1. Once you stop stressing or worrying you will get pregnant. --You try to get pregnant for several years with hundreds of negative pregancy tests & then take ovulation tests & track everything & time sex & then when that doesn't work, try taking lots of different medicines & shots in your stomache, all of which make you very emotional & hormonal & basically feeling like you are on your period 24/7 & then tell me to stop stressing. Oh & throw in surgeries & thousands & thousands of $ to the mix.
2. It took me 2 months to get pregnant but I know the feeling of wanting to get pregnant because that month of getting a negative & waiting was so hard. --Please do not compare 1 month of waiting to years & years.
3. Thank you for opening up to me. I just wanted to tell you I'm pregnant! (This has happened to me twice, both right after I opened up to friends. I wanted to say, "that is literally the worst thing you could just say to me right now." OF COURSE I am so happy for friends & family that are able to get pregnant, but having someone open up to you about not being able to get pregnant is not the correct timing to share your news with them.
4. I was trying to get pregnant for 4 months & wasn't able to. Then my doctor just told me I needed to eat more. I ate more & then I got pregnant the next month! --Thank you, I guess all the donuts & cookies I've been stress eating just need to be doubled & then I'll get pregnant!
5. I have a special masseuse that I go to. If you just go to him, I know you could get pregnant. --While I'm not opposed to having a massage, I don't think this is the cure all.
6. Having a stressful job is probably why the treatments aren't able to work. Why don't you take a year off from work to focus on the treatments. --Right, since I may need to pay $16,00 for IVF & am also currently spend over $1,000 a month on treatments, I might as well quit my job, go without health insurance & pay, & sit around the house hoping I will get pregnant. I probably should never leave my bed because I don't need the stress of actually living like a normal person.
7. I have the opposite problem as you, I can't stop having kids!--Again, literally the worst thing you could say to someone with infertility. How could you think that would make someone feel better?
8. We've got too many kids, have one of ours! --Haha, glad I could give you a laugh.
9. Have you thought of adoption.--Oh no, I have never even considered that... thank you for giving me the idea! Of course anyone who struggles with infertilty has considered adoption & either doesn't feel it is the right choice for them, is pursiuing it, or is not opposed to adoption but is not considering it at the time.
10. I guess you just need to learn patience. --No comment.
One thing that I have realized with infertility is that you have to live & enjoy your life & try not to focus too much on what you cannot change. I was looking through forums on infertility & heard many stories of people that have struggled 5 or more years with infertility. When I first realized we weren't able to get pregnant easily, I was so worried, I always pictured myself married with lots of children running around, going to soccer games, parent teacher conferences, doing crafts, & going on little outings. I almost felt like I needed to put my life on hold & not have any other dreams other than having children. I was worried about the monetary costs that we might encounter & felt guilty for any money that was spent. I spent a lot of time stressing & worrying & I still stress & worry about these things. But I have also learned that it is important to live & enjoy life & if I am doing everything I can to become a mother, then that is all I can do. I am so thankful that N & I went to Europe 2 summers ago & to Bali this past summer. I will remember both trips & the fun we had for the rest of my life. Both trips gave us something to look forward too & plan for even though we couldn't plan on when we would have a child. Both trips were so fun & relaxing & full of so many new experiences. They were perfect! If we hadn't gone on these trips because be weren't sure if I would be pregnant or having fertility appointments, then I would be feeling so sad that we hadn't made the decision to go. You can't just put your life on hold. Heavenly Father wants you to do everything you can & then the rest is up to Him. Now, my next goals are to train for & run a half marathon & to plan a trip to Hawaii for N & I. I told N I wanted to do half marathon & he asked about what I would do if I was pregnant. It just got me thinking so much about this whole subject. Though I do hope so much that I will get pregnant & we will be able to have a baby (or babies!! twins please!!!), I am still going to have goals & plans that will make me happy & of course I will be happy if those plans change if I become pregnant, but I also won't feel like I was sitting around & wasting my life just waiting instead of accomplishing dreams & goals.
Before stuggling with infertility, I had no idea the different world it was in & the lingo that was spoken. Then, when I first realized I was going to have trouble getting pregnant, I started searching online & looking at forums & I had no idea what any of the abbreviations meants. There wer sooo many!!! Now, I feel like I know a good amount of them, but this is a list of infertility acronyms that I refer to when I have no idea what someone is talking about!!!
Infertility Acronyms: source: Resolve.org
ACA Anti-cardiolipin Antibody
ACTH Adrenal Carticotropic Hormone
AF Aunt Flo, After Flo, Period, or Menstrual Cycle
AH Assisted Hatching
AI Artificial/Assisted Insemination
ANA Anti-nuclear Antibodies
APA Anti-phospholipid Antibodies
APTT Activated Partial Thrombo Time
ART Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA Anti-sperm Antibody
ASRM American Society of Reproductive Medicine
BA Baby Aspirin
BBT Basal Body Temperature
BCP Birth Control Pills
BD Baby Dance (sex)
Beta HCG pregnancy test
BFN Big Fat Negative
BFP Big Fat Positive
B/W, b/w Bloodwork
CAH Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
CASA Computer-assisted Semen Analysis
CB Cycle Buddy
CBAVD Congenital Bilateral Absence of Vas Deferens
CCCT, CCT Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (Clomid Challenge Test)
CD Cycle Day
CF Cystic Fibrosis
CM Cervical Mucus
CNM Certified Nurse Midwife
COH Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation
CP Cervical Position
CPFM ClearPlan Fertility Monitor (Brand Name)
CVS Chorionic Villae Sampling
D&C Dilation & Curettage
D&E Dilation & Evacuation
DE Donor Eggs
DH Dear Husband
DI Donor Husband
DIPI Direct Intra-peritoneal Insemination
DOR Diminished Ovarian Reserve
DPO Days Post-Ovulation
DPR Days Post-Retrieval
DPT Days Post-Transfer
DP3DT Days Post 3-Day Transfer
DP5DT Days Post 5-Day Transfer
DW Dear Wife
EB, EMB Endometrial Biopsy
EPT Early Pregnancy Test
ER Egg Retrieval
ET Egg Transfer
ETA Embryo Toxicity Assay
ETF Embryo Toxicity Factor
FAQ Frequently Asked Questions
FBG Fasting Blood Glucose
FI Fasting Insulin
FF Fertility Friend
FHR Fetal Heart Rate
FP Follicular Phase
FM Fertility Mucus or Fertility Monitor
FRED Fertility Response Early Detection (Brand Name)
Frostie Frozen Embryo
FSH Follicle-Stimulating Hormone
FTTA Fertile Thoughts to All
GD Gestational Diabetes
GIFT Gamete Intrafallopian Transfer
GnRH Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone
GP General Practitioner
GTT Glucose Tolerance Test
hCG, HCG Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
hMG, HMG Human Menopausal Gonadotropin
HCP Health Care Practitioner
HEPA Hampster Egg Penetration Assay
HPT Home Pregnancy Test
HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy
IBT Immunobead Binding Test
ICI Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI Intra-cytoplamic Sperm Injection
IGTT Insulin and Glucose Tolerance Test
INCIID International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination
IM Intramuscular injections
IOR Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IR Insulin Resistant
ITI Intra-tubal Insemination
IUGR Intra-uterine Growth Retardation
IUI Intra-uterine Insemination
IVC Intra-vaginal Culture
IVF/ET In Vitro Fertilization and Embryo Transfer
IVF In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg Intravenous Immunoglobulin
LAD Leukocyte Antibody Detection Assay
LH Luteinizing Hormone
LIT Leukocyte Immunization Therapy
LMP Last Menstrual Period (start date)
LOL Laughing Out Loud
LPD Luteal-Phase Defect
LSP Low Sperm Count
LUF, LUFS Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome
The middle of the week always seems to go by slowly. So does the beginning of the week though actually. & then the weekends speed by in a second... haha! Really though! This week has been pretty busy at work. I like it so much better when it's busy because it goes by so much more quickly. My husband (N) & I lead a cubscout group for church & yesterday at pack meeting we were in charge of dessert. I got 4 dozen assorted donuts at our local donut shop & the boys were in heaven! I had so many of them come up and say, "thank you for bringing the donuts" & "donuts were a great idea"! It was so sweet. They can be wild, but I really have learned to be thankful for being in cubscouts. The boys are so sweet & say the funniest things! Maybe it is preparing me to have a baby boy!! I really always thought I just wanted all girls, of course I will be happy with whatever children we have, but now I am also thinking a baby boy would be so fun.
After work today I need to get some ingredients for cookies to deliver to my husbands clients & my coworkers. We are going to be making hundreds of cookies this weekend! I found a recipe for ginger cookies dipped in white chocolate & they look so good & also really cute! We will see how easy they are to make though!!
I got the best deal on a cast iron pot at World Market the other day. I have been wanting one of those pots forever because I hear they make the best soups & stews but they are soooo expensive. We have really been watching our money lately, saving everything for fertility treatments. I really can't think of anything extra that we have bought in the past year other than a few candleholders & a Christmas tree skirt. But anyways, when we were looking at cast iron pots online, they are all at least $70 & the le creuset ones are about $200 or more!!! No way we could spend that much or would spend that much on a pot!! Nate & I & my sister & her husband all went over to my mom & dad's for dinner one night & after dinner my sister & I realized we had spend $20, get $10 coupons for World Market that expired the next day! We begged our husbands & then headed off with our mom on a girls shopping trip to World Market an hour before it closed. I just love World Market! I feel like it has the style of Anthropologie but without breaking the bank! I searched around a long time & then ended up getting some candies for my nephews for Christmas, the prettiest flower bath petals for my mother in law, also for Christmas, a mercury glass polka dot candle holder & tiny pink mercury glass candle holder for myself (mercury glass is my weakness, but they were each only a few dollars). Then, I saw a stack of cherry red cast iron pots with a 50% off sign. I ended up getting a $60 pot for the price of $20!!! I was sooo excited! Now tonight I am going to try it out & make a leek & white bean soup that I love! So funny that the things I get most excited about buying now are house & kitchen things!!!
I have been trying not to think or stress about infertility problems this past week. It's pretty impossible not to think about, but I think the best thing is just keeping busy. I haven't been good about working out this week as there are things planned every night, but I am going to do a good job working out next week & going running & to the gym over Christmas break. A week from tomorrow I go to have an ultrasound to see if the cysts are gone & what my next step is.
This weekend was great & just what we needed! On Friday, we had a work party & it was really fun! They had really good appetizers & desserts so I could be found with a plate of food at all times. Haha, but really everything was so good! They had bacon wrapped dates, bruschetta, these zucchini things stuffed with vegetables, & pork wontons. The best dessert was these little mini chocolate mousses in chocolate shells, sooo good!!! It was fun to visit with people too & meet some people that Nate works with.
Saturday we went to a church Christmas breakfast. Then I went to get a much needed haircut. I get my haircut at a spa located at a resort. I started getting my haircut there last year & love it because I can use the spa services there after (sauna, steamroom, hot tub, etc). There was a Christmas parade going on at the resort, so I could not find anywhere to park since the roads were blocked off. I called the spa & told them I was near a church & asked if it was close enough to park there. They said it was right new to the resort so I just parked there. After parking, I kept walking & walking but still did not see the start of the resort. Finally, after half a mile, I was finally there!!! I saw a different church right next to the resort that they had thought I parked at, haha! At least I got there though!! The haircut was so nice, I love it there because when they wash your hair, they give you a really good scalp massage & it is so relaxing. The lady that does my hair does a great job cutting it & always styles it so cute after. After the haircut I got a magazine & relaxed out by the hot tub, switching between sitting in the hot tub & reading a magazine by the fire. It was so nice! When I got home, Nate & I just kind of relaxed & made dinner together.
Sunday we went to church & then had family dinner at my sister's. Sunday dinner is the best, always an amazing meal & so fun to visit with family.
Monday was busy & stressful at work, but it felt good to get a lot done. This week, we have a few events planned & next week will go by so quickly since we have Friday off. Then I am sooo excited to have 2 weeks off for Christmas break!!!
Some other good news, my brother-in-law & his fiance were planning on getting married in Fiji this summer. At firts it sounded so awesome because they said flights were only $600 round trip. Then we started looking at flights & they were a lot more expensive. Then the dates were changed & prices were more than double that cost. We also are hoping we will be pregnant & not sure if flying that far would be ok depending on the timing. If we are not pregnant, we will probably be saving for invitro, so using such a big chunk of money at that time would mean we would need to save a lot longer. We didn't want to buy flights until we have tried a few more treatments & the prices were just going up & up so who knows how much they would be in a few months! It also conflicted with a work trip that we were supposed to go on. Overall, we were both just feeling soooo stressed about it. The money, the timing, & everything! It is hard with weddings because it is something that you really can't miss,but also I feel like you can't just spend unlimited money on something! Anyways, we got news that the wedding is changed to stateside, so we will be able to easily get there & not have to stress!!!! I am so glad!!!
When I was younger, one of my sisters had to go to the emergency room when she was in pain one night & they found that she had a large cyst. After that incident, we would joke with her singing, "cysta cysta" in the tune of the "Sister Sister" show with Tia & Tamara.
Well, yesterday I found out that I am a "cysta" now too..
N & I had an appointment to meet with our doctor yesterday afternoow. We left from our house 2 hours early since that is how long is has been taking me to get to the office lately. I didn't realize that we would be able to zoom through the carpool lane since there were 2 of us, & we got to the office really early & ended up having time to grab a late lunch/early dinner at Cafe Rio.
I was also supposed to be calling the office when I started my cycle but wasn't quite sure if I had started. Then, 10 minutes before the appointment, I realized that it had started. We told the doctor & he said we could have an ultrasound right after meeting with him. I was relieved because it would have been such a pain to make that drive back to the office again only one day later.
The appointment with our doctor went good. We made a plan to try 2 more rounds of IUI with the same meds & injections. If those are not successful, we will meet back with the doctor & discuss options. Then it was time for the ultrasound. The xray technitian first looked on the right ovaries & there were 2 cysts but she said they were small enough to not need to worry about. I felt relieved. Then she looked on the left ovary & there was a large cyst. She said it would not be worth risking doing an IUI with the cyst there so I would need to take medication for 2 weeks that would stop my cycle & get rid of the cysts. Then after, I should begin my cycle again, we will have another ultrasound, & will hopefully be able to begin the IUI cycle again.
It was disappointing news, again. I was so sad about the previous IUI not being successful but kept telling myself it was ok because we would be able to start everything for the next cycle & focus on that. Now it will be adding an extra 2 weeks & then we don't even know if everything will look ok. I am grateful thought that we don't need to wait a full month of longer to try anything. I need to try & not focus on the negative because it will just bring me down. It is hard though because I try to focus on the positive, like that we would be able to start getting meds & getting ready for the 2nd IUI & then something goes wrong, like the cysts, & then I am feeling down again.
After the appointment, I had N drop me off at a church activity. It was a progressive dinner where they had appetizers at one house, soup & rolls at another, & then dessert was at my sister's house. It was a fun activity & nice to visit with everyone! When we were having dessert, one of my friends came over to talk. She was asking questions about me not having kids, not in a rude way but I think just wondering why we don't have any. I hadn't told her we were having any problems & decided to open up & tell her. She has 2 kids but told me the last year, she had tried to get pregnant & hadn't been able to. Then she went to the doctor & he told her about Clomid & Femara. I asked if she had used any & she said that the doctor actually found out she was pregnant so she didn't need to use anything. I had been feeling better, but this just made me feel so sad all of the sudden. Of course I am happy for her & her family, but this has been the 2nd time that I have opened up to a friend & then they told me they were pregnant. It's just hard. After the activity, my sister drove me home & we talked in her car & joked about the night. It made me feel better, she is so fun to be around! I'm greatful for my husband & my family & friends who help me throughout this time.
This week has been a whirlwind so far. With the stress of Monday, the sadness of Tuesday, the acceptance & peace of Wendesday, & now the busyness of the next few days! Today I am leaving work early to go to a doctor's appointment with Nate. We have only actually met with our doctor 3 times now. 1st for our consultation meeting, then when I had my HSG test, & lastly when I had my hysteroscopy surgery which I can't remember seeing him at all because I was totally out, thank you to the anesthesia!
It will be good to meet with him again & talk about reasons the 1st IUI didn't work & if we will be doing anything differently. N is coming with me & with the 2 hour drive (it takes 1 hour without traffic, but there are always accidents and traffic jams in the afternoon), the appointment and then the drive through rush hour on the way home, it will actually be nice to have some time together. Everything has been so busy lately with both of our work schedules. Then tomorrow, we have a work party & Saturday we have a ward party & I am getting my hair cut! It is much needed! I get my haircut at a spa & I love it! The lady who does my hair always gives me a scalp massage & the best haircut & then after I can use the spa sauna, steam room, & hottub. It will be nice to relax! I would love to get a massage there too but I know we need to save the money for fertility treatments.
I have a few events next week & the week after & then it will be Christmas!!! I am glad I am feeling so much better & am excited to enjoy the Christmas season. I'm going to focus on trying to do nice things for others & just enjoying the little things!
Yesterday was a hard day. A really, really hard day. N & I found out the IUI did not work at 4 in the morning, when I took 2 pregnancy tests. We had both had our hopes up that it would be positive. I was crying a lot of the day & my contact lenses at work ended up getting so fogged up from crying that I couldn't see out of them, that has never happend before!! Nate ended up bringing my glasses by work. It was a hard day at work. I had only slept about 30 mins. that night & was feeling so tired, sick to my stomach from lack of sleep, & so very sad. It was hard to sit for 8 hours, trying to get work done & trying not to cry. After work, I came home & lay on the couch, watching the Lizzie McGuirre movie. N was so nice & picked us up some BBQ for dinner. We had made a plan that if the results were negative, we would get take out & if they were positive, we would have dinner at a restaurant. Then he went to cubscouts & a meeting for me, which I was so thankful for. I just felt so horrible, both from the lack of sleep & an emotional day. I did have friends & family that sent nice texts. I prayed for comfort & peace & while it was a hard day & I felt so sad most of the day, I was able to fall asleep at night & wake up feeling much more positive. I am still sad the procedure didn't work, but I just feel so much better accepting that, having a full nights rest, & knowing that we have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to talk about our plan & hopefully get started on the track for a 2nd IUI. I think that most people don't get pregnant on their first IUI & I will be so happy if we are able to get pregnant on our 2nd or 3rd one & have a healthy pregnancy! If none of them work, we will save up for IVF & I also want to be able to save up a little extra to do a very relaxing vacation after the IVF. Either way, I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for N & I & our family. I know that we will have children somehow. I am so thankful for the gift of feeling so much more happy & positive today, I know it is an answer to my prayers. Today is a new day!