My last ultrasound went well, there were no cysts!!! Such a relief! Some other good news/ a tender mercy, I had asked the nurse on the phone if there were any sample boxes of FSH shots I could use. She said she would check & save one for me if there was. After the ultrasound, I asked the nurse & she said there were no sample boxes but that someone had donated a box of shots, the exact kind I needed. I know that this, along with many other things, was an answer to a prayer. I have been so stressed about the costs of everything & also wondering if this will ever even work for us. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over Nate & I & that He sees the tears we shed & knows our desires to have children. I know that when the time is right, we will be able to have children. On the drive to the appointment, I felt worried & stressed but on the drive back I felt comfort & peace knowing that my Heavenly Father is watching over me.
I have finished my Femara & took the 1st FSH shot on Saturday, tonight will be the 2nd one. Then another shot on Wednesday & then I will go in for an ultrasound on Thursday afternoon to see how the follicles are doing & how many there are.
My older sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy a few days ago! I am so happy for her. She struggled with infertility for several years before getting pregnant through IUI & having her daughter & then struggled for another 5 years before getting pregnant with her little boy. She has given me comfort & hope many times when I have felt discouraged.
Because of my dr's appointment on Thursday & then our IUI which will hopefully be scheduled on Monday or Tuesday, I will be driving up to see my sister & her new baby on Friday afternoon & then heading back Sunday afternoon. It will be a very short trip but I'm happy I'll be able to go!!
Here's hoping & praying that this 3rd IUI will work & that we will have a miracle!!
Each time we get sad & disappointing news, there are a few really hard days full of lots of emotion & then slowly, we pick up the pieces. Yesterday N & I took some time to talk about finances. We went over our monthly budget which we have been doing a good job of staying within (we pretty much buy nothing other than groceries & needs). We also talked about our options if this next IUI doesn't work. I don't want to think negatively, but I also don't want to be completely heartbroken & without any back up plan if it does not work. So our plan is that if this 3rd IUI doesn't work, we will take a break & save up for IVF. Our office does IVF for $16,000 but I need to check if this includes anesthesia, freezing the eggs, & medications because that could add much more. I also found another office that says they charge $4,800 but that doesn't include the extras (anesthesia, freezing the eggs, & medications). Thought it really stressed me out to think of spending around $20,000 on top of the $7,000 we have spend on appointments & IUI's, I am glad to have a plan. To be honest, I had a really hard time last night. Spending money is something that always stresses me out & just to think that we could be spending $27,000 on fertility procedures that might not even work makes me incredibly stressed. If we are able to have children through these procedures, then it is 100% worth it to me, but the part about these procedures possibly not even working makes me so incredibly stressed. I had a little break down & let N know my stress & fears & shed many tears. He is the best & just listened to me & told me it would be ok & that it would all be worth it. It has really been great that we are able to balance each other out. Right now, when I am having a really hard time, he has been such a great strength to me. I know that everything will work out how it should & that Heavenly Father is watching over us & has a plan for us. I know that if this IUI doesn't work, we will pray & ask for guidance on what our next steps should be & if we feel that IVF is a good choice, we will continue in that path. I also feel that it is ok & even good to get out feelings of sadness, fear, & despair. I always feel much better after & am then able to focus on what I can control.
Today I am going in for an ultrasound to see if I have any cysts. I am praying that everything will look good & that we will be cleared to start meds for our 3rd IUI. It does feel good to be able to get right on track for another procedure so we at least know we are doing all we can.
Well, despite trying my best to not get my hopes up, I still had high hopes as I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning. I made myself stay in bed until 6am this time, feeling excited like it was Christmas morning. I took the test then tidied up in the kitchen for the 3 minutes I needed to wait before checking. As I checked it I was almost sure it would be positive, after all my sister got pregnant on her 2nd IUI. She is now pregnant with her 2nd child (her due date was yesterday) & I had always thought we would have kids at the same time or at least be pregnant at the same time. I had thought, how fun it would be to surprise her when I went to see her new baby & to be able to tell her I was pregnant.
But instead, I looked at the one line, not pregnant, crawled back into bed & into my husbands arms, and sobbed. We said a prayer & then I continued to cry, trying to fall asleep, unsuccessfully, to try & take the pain & heartbreak away. We got out of bed a few hours later, made some breakfast, & then cuddled together, watching Series of Unfortunate Events & trying to not feel sad. Later in the day we went to my cousin's baptism & had dinner at my aunts. It was nice to be surrounded by family & to not think so much about the earlier results. Although at the baptism a girl sang a song about a child & how they were chosen & given to their mother & I couldn't help by have tears come to my eyes. I don't know how much longer this period of waiting will be. Sometimes I just feel so sad & empty. On Sunday after church I just had this sadness come over my whole body. It comes & goes. I know that I have so much to be grateful for & that it is ok to let myself be sad & grieve for a little. Each time we have disappointing news, it is heartbreak. But one day, we will get happy news & our hearts will be filled with joy & the heartbreak will feel like it was but a moment.
Even though I feel so sad sometimes, it does not rule my life. I have more happiness than sadness. I have more happy days & moments than sad. Here are some tender mercies in my life:
1. My husband- I feel so incredibly grateful for my husband & the wonderful marriage we have. I couldn't ask for a better husband than him. He is always there for me& I know that I can talk to him about anything. He supports me in all that I do. He never gets angry at me, he is so understanding. He is constantly thinking of nice things he can do for me like running me a bath, doing the dishes, scratching my back, giving me massages, finding a chick flick I can watch, & making me laugh. We really have such an amazing marriage & both love coming home to each other each day. There is no where we would rather be than with each other.
2. My family- I am so thankful for my wonderful parents, in-laws, & sisters. I am so thankful for the love & support they give us. They are always praying for us & thinking of us. I am so thankful that I live so close by my parents & Brooke & Brittany. It is so much fun being around them & also having them to talk to & cheer me up. I know I can always count on them to be there for me & I am thankful I can also help them.
3. The gospel- I am so thankful to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the gift of prayer, the scriptures, the temple, & uplifting talks & church meetings. I know that I am never truly alone & that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.
4. Our home- I am so thankful for our wonderful home. It is beautiful & comfortable & a place of peace for us. I am grateful to live in a beautiful neighborhood with nice neighbors & to live close by family.
5. Our puppy- I'm so grateful for our puppy & for the timing we got him. I know Heavenly Father just knew that we needed something to take care of & something to make us laugh. He is so cute & he is always so excited to see us, waging his tail & jumping up so high in the air. He is the sweetest dog & is our little shadow. He sits & cuddles by us when we are having a hard day & is playful when we need to laugh.
6. Our jobs- I'm thankful that Nate & I both have jobs so that we can have money to live comfortably, have savings, & pay for fertility treatments.
7. A good doctor- I'm grateful to have a great doctor & wonderful nurses & to know that I am getting the best care possible.
8. A beautiful world to live in.
9. A healthy body- I am so happy that I am able to go running, work out at the gym, go hiking, & do so many wonderful things!
10. The outdoors- I love being able to be outside & feel the sun on my face & to also have rainy days when N & I can have hot chocolate & cuddle up inside listening to the rain. I am so thankful to live in a beautiful place.
11. Traveling- We have been so blessed to be able to travel the world together the past few years. I the past 3 years, we have been to Mexico, Canada, Oregon, Washington, California, Arizona, Idaho, Utah, Belize, Guatemala, Indonesia, Taiwan, Germany, Italy, Austria, & France. We have made so many wonderful memories that we will always be able to look back on with happiness. I will forever be grateful for these trips & wonderful memories we have been able to make together & the special bond it has given us being able to travel & experience new places & cultures together.
We really are so blessed. Though we haven't been able to have children yet, we have so many things to be grateful for & truly lived blessed lives.
Though I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that reads this blog/journal, it has been helpful to me to be able to vent & write down my feelings. I also know that I will be able to read back on this one day & be thankful for this waiting period. I wonder when that will be..
Today is a busy day at work & I am glad because it will go by quickly. I feel happy, calm, & peaceful this morning. I woke up at around 4:30 this morning & could not get comfortable or fall back asleep. It seems like right when I fell into a deep sleep, my alarm was ringing to wake up. Usually right before my alarm goes off, my puppy comes up to the bed & licks my hand. I am really so thankful for our cute puppy. He is so sweet & always making me laugh. He is really hyper & always moving around, it's almost impossible to get a picture of him that isn't blurry. I love how he follows me all around the house, like my little shadow. He is always right next to me, especially when I am cooking or baking something. His little eyes look up, hoping for some crumbs to fall. He loves soft blankets (just like me, haha) & always cuddles up right next to N & I on the couch on a softie. It really was perfect timing that we got our sweet puppy & I am so thankful for that.
Last night I made lots & lots of scones for N's meeting with clients & future clients today. I made strawberry ones & lemon vanilla bean ones, with a vanilla bean glaze & lemon zest on top. I used a lemon from our lemon tree (which has had 6 lemons on it for a year & a half & they were finally ripe enough to use)! It was worth waiting for, the scones were delicious & I polished off 3... haha!
After that, I met up with my sister & we went to Bunco. It was so much fun, I love living so close to her!!! She is always so fun to be around! The lady who plans Bunco night does it once a month. She has a beautiful house & always makes an AMAZING meal! It is so fun to have a relaxing girls night! I won for most losses, which I have gotten the past 2 times, it's starting to get awkward... haha!!! It was a fun night though & I was really awake when I got home so N & I watched some more Top Chef until I feel asleep. That show is kind of addictive! Today I am looking forward to the start of the weekend, going on a date with N tonight, & having a lazy Saturday morning! I am really hoping the pregnancy test results are good but I will continue to have faith, hope, & pray for peace no matter what the results are! Also, my sister is due with her 2nd baby on Tuesday!! I am so excited for her & hoping that I will get to go visit her for a few days & see her sweet baby!!!
P.S. I have felt period like cramps this morning.. .
Last night was so nice. N & I went to one of our church's temples. It was such a wonderful way to spend the middle of a busy & stressful week. We were able to do important ordinances there & then sit in the peaceful, celestial room. It was perfect. Afterwards, we stopped & got a pizza to share at a place called Char. It was delicious! I had already eaten dinner but was starving!! Then we came home, I grabbed a spoonful of homade nutella & N made chocolate milk, & we watched a show/I fell asleep as always.
After work I had gone to Trader Joe's & bought my favorite chocolate bar (dark chocolate w/ toffee & walnuts) & some flowers- beautiful lilies. It made my think of how I would love to have a daughter & name her Lily. I got them to cheer me up if the news is sad. N & I talked about what we will do if the news is good or sad. It helps to plan it out ahead of time. Last time our plan was if it was sad news, we would get bbq food to eat for dinner at home & watch a movie. If it was good news, we would have gone out to eat to celebrate. This time if it is sad news, we will make bacon, egg, & cheese biscuits & hot chocolate for breakfast & relax at home. If it is good news, we will go out to a cute little french restaurant to celebrate (their chocolate mousse is the best!!!).
I am trying not to think too much either direction, but just to have faith in God that He knows what is best. This time if the news is sad, I will do my best to not be sad for so long. Last time I cried the entire day off & on & it was just so hard & such an emotional day. I really can't even let myself picture what it will be like to get a positive test because I don't want to get let down again. Last time, right before taking the test (at 4am) I asked N, "do you think it will be positive?" & he said yes. We were both just so excited. Then, the disappointing negative. Anyways, this time I feel better because I have no expectations. My stomach was cramping this morning & I still have a stiff neck & headache. The cramping felt like it does sometimes before I start my period.. :/
Anyways, today I am working & then making tons of scones (a batch of strawberry, a batch of orange zest + vanilla bean, & if I am feeling crazy, a batch of pumpkin pecan with maple glaze) for N's clients. Then I am going to Bunco with my sista!!! I love living by family!! Then tomorrow is Friday night and DATE night!!! My favorite!!!! I am so glad it is almost the weekend!!!!
I usually rarely have medical problems but this week I have gotten what I think is a cold sore on my bottom lip & what I think is a cyst right behind my ear. I am not sure of either of these things because I have never experienced them before. I'm not sure if it is really a cold sore on my lip because I've never had one but it hurts and looks kind of like one. The bump behind my ear is pretty small & just burst & had a little bit of liquid & a little blood. I know they both sound gross, but I just want to document them if they are symptoms of the progesterone cream or just random?
This week I have kept busy so far! Monday was MLK day so I had work off. It is sooo nice to have a 3 day weekend! I wish I could work four 10 hour days every week, it would be so nice! My sisters, mom, & I went out to the movie, Lalaland & to Zupa's for lunch. Then I came home read in bed, & made the best stew & mashed potatoes for dinner. N & I had the stew & watched Top Chef on Hulu. It was so nice to have a relaxing, cozy evening.
Yesterday work was really busy & then I went straight to my nephew's basketball game, & then made a quick dinner before cubscouts. It was such a busy day & I had woken up with a stiff neck & headache. N was so nice & gave me a massage & made me a bath with a mint bathbomb complete with candle & spa music. It was so nice to relax & I woke up feeling better today. I'm so greatful for such a sweet husband who is always thinking of nice things to do for me. We were talking the other day & talk often about how thankful we are to have each other & to have such a happy, loving marriage. After a few days apart this weekend, it was so nice to be back together. I love that we always love being at home together.
Today we are going to the temple after work, Thursday I'm going to Bunco with my sisters, & then Friday a date night with my hubby. Saturday is the day we find out. I have been trying my best not to think about it because then time just goes to slowly. I have felt peace & comfort & have not felt stressed. I know this is an answer to my prayer because last time I was a mess! This time I will accept whatever the result because I know it is all in God's hands & N & I are doing everything we can. It is nice to have so many things scheduled this week because it really does make the week go by faster & I like having something to look forward to after work each day. It has also been wonderful that I have been busy testing students at work. It makes the day go by so much faster! Blessings, blessings, blessings! No matter the result, I know that my Heavenly Father has been watching over me!
I am currently in the 2 week wait of my 2nd IUI. I was reading a blog of a woman who struggled with infertility for 7 years & after 4 failed IUI's, she was able to get pregnant with quadruplets through IVF! I was going through her blog & reading her post on her 1st IUI. Her feelings were so similar to mine! But when she found out it didn't work, her mom told her that it was part of her story & that she might be able to share her story with others later. After she had her quadruplets, she was so glad how everything had happened because she would have missed out on having her quadruplets if she had had things her way.
Right now, I feel like I am at a good place. It has been a hard 2 1/2 years, but I have been relying on faith & a knowledge that Heavenly Father's plan is better than my own. This has given me comfort & this past week I haven't even worried much about what our results will be next Saturday. I have felt a peace & comfort that everything will be alright. I know that doesn't mean that my pregnancy test will come up positive, I just know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me & I trust in Him.
This struggle with infertility has been the hardest trial of my life so far. Wanting something so badly & having negative results month after month. Seeing so many others pregnant or with families full of children. Hearing others complain about pregnancy or motherhood. Having everything monitored so closely, having shots & blood draws, so many doctors appointments, thousands of dollars spent, & so many medications that make me feel sick/moody/emotional.
I am also thankful though. Thankful that each long month brings my husband & I closer together as we support & are there for each other. Thankful that I can spend time with my nephews & niece which brings me so much happiness. Thankful that when I do get pregnant & have children, I be so incredibly thankful & will be sensitive to others who might be experiencing infertility. Thankful that I will appreciate my role as a mother so much more than I would have had I gotten pregnant the first few months. Thankful that I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father & learned to except His plan for me & live my life with happiness & joy no matter what I am going through. Thankful that we have a wonderful doctor & the best office to visit & that right now we have the money to pay for the many doctors appointments, medicine, injections, & procedures. I have so much to be thankful for.
I hope that just one person can read this blog & know that they are not alone & feel peace & comfort in that.
I hope that I can look back on this blog/journal one day & see how everything worked together & how Heavenly Father's plan is a perfect plan.
I took a 2 week break from work & blogging & tried to just live in the moment & enjoy my time off. It was such a nice & refreshing time to just have a break & reset. When I went to the doctor to check on my cysts, they were gone so I was able to get set up on a plan for IUI cycle #2. It actually worked out great because we were planning on heading to California to have Christmas with my inlaws & so we were able to go there on the date planned & stay the 5 days we had been hoping to be able to stay. It has been hard to plan anything out because I feel like every single time we have a trip or something planned, our doctor's appointments make us need to cancel or change plans. I am still sad thinking about how I was not able to go to my aunt's funeral with the rest of my family because the timing with everything didn't work out. I know that Heavenly Father sees the sacrifices that N & I make though.
Anyways, we were able to have a wonderful Christmas in California! I started my cycle on Christmas Eve & was happy to be able to get appointments set up & then be able to start injections when we got back home. I never thought I would say I was happy to start injections because I hate needles so much, but I am just thankful to be able to have the funds & health to do another IUI round & to have another chance.
I went in for an ultrasound to see how many follicles I had & their sizes & they found that I had 4 large follicles & 6 small ones. A good amount because 1 or 2 more large ones might be too many.
Everything went well with the injections & then the night before the IUI we went to stay in a hotel near the doctor's office. This is probably too much detail, but if anyone else is going through thee same thing, maybe it will help you feel less weird! For our IUI's, we opt to use a condom provided by the doctor's office & bring it in before the IUI. They give you a certain time to drop off the "specimin" & then you come back 90 minutes later for the actual IUI procedure. Not to go into too much detail but there is pretty much nothing romantic about saying that you need to have a sex at an exact time with so much depending on it. It is very stressful & there are a lot of emotions. For some reason, this time seemed even more stressful than the last time & we ended up saying a prayer that everything would work out. By a miracle, we were able to get to the office (30 minutes late). When we came back an hour later, we were in the waiting room for 30 minutes. The timing of everything is very important so we were getting so nervous that something was wrong. Finally, the PA came to get us & told us everything was fine, they were just waiting on the lab. We did the IUI procedure & then headed back to the hotel to try & take a nap.
It was honestly such a stressful, draining, & emotional day. We had woken up at 7am & had such a crazy morning. It was only 11:30am, but we were both just so drained. We headed home & N had to head to work for an hour while I read in bed. Then N grilled steaks & pineapple & roased potatoes for us for dinner & it was delicious. We watched a movie on Netflix & it just felt so nice to relax. Sunday was wonderful! I made Abelskivers with homeade nutella, fresh whipped cream, & strawberries & it was delicious. I underestimated the time it would take to make, so we were a little late to church. Church was uplifting & I taught a wild group of kids in primary, but they were still cute. Then we relaxed at home & had family dinner at my sisters house, the best chocolate mousse/ganache/toffee cake, & ended the night playing Mariocart with my nephews. It was so nice to be able to have a relaxing, fun day after the stress of Saturday.
My goal for this 2 week wait is to keep busy, try not to even think that I am in the 2 week wait because it just stresses me out & makes it go by slower, to go to yoga a few times a week (the PA recommeded not running or doing intese workouts these next 2 weeks, but she said yoga, hiking, & other low impact activities were fine), & spending lots of time with N & family. I am so glad that when I do find out the results, it will be on a weekend & not the beginning or middle of a work week!