Wednesday night I had kind of a breakdown. I was just feeling so sad. I couldn't explain why, I just felt like I had this heavy weight on me that was making me feel so weighed down, stressed, & intensely sad. N & I got in an argument, mostly because I was moody, & we laid down to go to sleep. All of the sudden, I just stared sobbing & couldn't stop. I couldn't stop the tears from coming & my body shaking from sobbing. N rolled over & just held me & I was finally able to calm down & fall asleep. One of the things I was feeling so stressed about was my work. We are planning on doing IVF either over the summer or at the beginning of the school year & my work is so busy then. I was stressed about if this would work with my job or if I should start looking for a different job this summer. The next day, yesterday, I had a meeting with my boss & let her know my stressed about this. She was so kind & understanding & let me know that she was totally fine with me leaving work early any days I needed to go to appointments. It relieved a huge stress off of me & I decided I will stay with this job for next year. The other thing that of course is always weighing on me is the sadness of not being able to get pregnant & have a child. My sister has been visiting the past 2 weeks & it has been sooo nice to get time with her & get to hold her sweet little newborn boy. I have loved it so much. But a tiny part of me just feels so sad thinking "will I ever get the opportunity to hold my own sweet little baby?" I am so incredibly happy for my sister & she has been though soooo much with infertility procedures & I am in no way jealous of her, but just yesterday I was thinking that maybe my thoughts were making me sad. One thing I am a little concerned about is that I haven't had my period this month. I should have had it on Thursday, March 23rd, but never had it. I took a pregnancy test on the 23rd & the 27th, just in case, but both were negative. The past few days, my boobs have been huge, I have felt sad, moody, & emotional, & yesterday my stomach was just feeling weird, & today my stomach has been cramping. I know there is only a millionth of a chance that the pregnancy test was wrong, but I am just wondering why I am feeling so weird.
It has been 2 months since my last IUI failed. These 2 months, we have just really tried to relax & not worry about infertility things. If I have had a headache (I get bad headaches & migraines often) I have taken Advil instead of worrying that I might be pregnant & that Advil could be bad for me to take. I have been going in hot tubs, going on runs, & going to the gym & doing all the things I love to do without worrying that they could affect me if I was pregnant. I'm not going to lie, it has been nice to not have to worry about doing these things. It has been nice to be able to relax & not be having shots in my stomach, cancelling trips because of doctor's appointments, & having to miss a lot of work to drive down for appointments. But at the same time it is a little sad because each month I know our chance of being pregnant is so small, but I still have had that little hope the past 2 months as I take a pregnancy test. I haven't let myself get emotionally invested as with the IUI's because I just can't handle having such hard days again. The day of finding out when each IUI didn't work & finding out that we qualified for the IVF study but it was full have been some of the hardest days of my life. It almost scares me how hard I cried those days & how sad I felt. But then another day comes or another week & everything is ok. This month, I took a pregnancy test on the day my period should start & it came back negative. Then I went to San Diego for my brother-in-laws wedding & I never started my period. I had the tiniest hope that maybe I had taken that test too early & maybe I was actually pregnant so I took another test yesterday, 6 days after my period should have started. It was, again, negative. Oh well.
Right now our plan is to go to a new patient appointment with a doctor in June & if we feel good about him, we will start the process of IVF. If we don't like the doctor or office, we will do IVF with the doctor I am seeing right now. He is triple the cost but we like the doctor & all of his staff. It seems odd just waiting & not doing anything right now. Sometimes it feels so nice to just be able to relax & sometimes it feels sad that we have such a tiny chance each month to get pregnant. We are keeping our faith & hope though.
I got back from a girls weekend in Palm Springs & it was rejuvenating & relaxing & wonderful. It was so nice to spend hours at the pool in the perfect sunshine, floating in the clear, cool turquoise water & then drying off in the sun. It was so nice not having to wake up to an alarm, the only decision to be made was where to eat, & no responsibilities. It was so great to see my hubby when I got home, but going back to work today was not easy. I pressed my snooze alarm about 3 times & had to force myself out of bed. Work went fine the first few hours, but on my break I had a talk with my hubby & I am just feeling so stressed. He started a new job this summer as a financial advisor. Long term it is supposed to be a great job, but short term it is very stressful & some days, like today, the stress just feels like too much. Will he meet the amount of money that he needs to be invested, which all depends on these people he has been talking to & meeting with for months. If he doesn't meet a certain quota in a 11 days, then he will probably lose his job. This stress combined with the stress we already have from fertility treatments & saving for fertility treatments just weighs me down so much sometimes. Then I pray & somehow everything ends up ok & we are able to make it another day & week & month. Life is sure hard, but life is good.
Since going through infertility, I have learned that plans can never be set in stone & when you do have something important planned, it most likely will need to be cancelled/ rescheduled. One thing that I hate is when plans are changed. I have a calendar that I look at daily to see when the next fun event is so I can start counting down the days. Each day I make my own little schedule on a sticky note with everything I need to to & what time it will be done. I don't feel relaxed until I have that all scheduled out. My husband quickly learned that fun plans can just not be changed. He will mention something about going on vacation or going to some event & I will immediately add it to the calendar.
And then infertility & trying to have a baby came into our lives & all that planning got thrown out the window. I missed my sweet aunt's funeral with all of my family after she passed away from cancer because I found out the day before we planned to leave that I couldn't leave at that time. I missed going up & meeting my newest sweet little nephew because I was told the evening before my mom, sister, & I planned to leave that my 3rd IUI would actually take place 5 days earlier than planned. There are so many other things that I have had to miss or change because of fertility appointments or the timing of everything. All of these times, I have thought, "this will all be worth it if we get pregnant, this could be the month" & then when the end of the month comes around, I see a negative pregnancy test & mourn for what I missed out on.
This month, we are not doing any infertility treatments, but my future sister-in-law had planned a girls weekend in Palm Springs to relax by the pool, go out to eat, & go to the spa. I have been sooo excited for this weekend to just relax & not worry about anything & forget about our infertility struggles. When I checked my ovulation app, it showed I would most likely begin ovulating this Wednesday (yesterday) but my ovulation test came back negative. I am leaving tonight for Palm Springs so I have been so stressed about what if I didn't start ovulating until Friday or Saturday! This morning I took a test & it showed positive, that I am ovulating! I am so thankful that this time, I will not have to change plans. I am so grateful that the timing of everything worked out so that I will not feel guilty or like I am ruining things for being gone this weekend. I know it was an answer to a prayer because it was something I have been worrying about all week. So here's to a 4 day weekend of relaxation!!!! I know that when we do have a child or children, I will look back on all of these events missed & plans changed & it will be worth it. I know that I have been able to get where I am today because of my Heavenly Father, who has been by my side every step of the way, even if I can't always see that.
I was just thinking the other day of how the moments of sadness from infertility come & become stronger & then sometimes fade for a moment or a day or a few days. There have been moments of such complete utter sadness in this journey. I have felt so sad that I feel like I can no longer take the sadness anymore. I have cried harder than I have ever cried before until my eyes can't cry anymore & I have felt my heart & whole body hurt with pan & sadness. The day that we found out our first IUI was such an incredibly hard day. I cried so much & just felt sick from not sleeping. My eyes were completely red & my contacts dried up from crying so much so my husband had to bring my glasses to my work so I could see enough to finish the day & drive home. That was such a long hard day & week. The 2nd IUI was sad, but I was a little more used to the sadness & N & I had the weekend to spend together. But finding out the 3rd IUI didn't work was another day that I know I will always remember. I remember driving home from work & crying so hard that it almost scared me. I had never heard myself cry so hard or loud before. I just felt like my heart couldn't take the pain anymore. I could barely drive, but I said a prayer, took a few deep breaths & was able to make it home. My husband asked me later that day about doing IVF & I told him I didn't think my heart could handle it. Yes, these have been some hard days & years. So much disappointment that it almost scares me to have hope. But I will always keep my hope & faith & trust in God. I know that though these years have been hard, we also had so much happiness & we have strengthened our faith & our marriage & we have learned lessons that we couldn't have learned any other way. Lessons that will help us when we become parents. We will not take parenthood for granted. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father & for the love & peace & comfort He has shown me. There have been times I felt alone but they have been followed by a sweet peace & comfort. I am reminded that when I am sad, I will not always feel this way.
Right now N & I are on a forced break from fertility procedures. It has actually been nice to not feel so stressed about the timing of everything. I am still taking ovulation tests & a part of me still has hope that we will have a miracle & get pregnant naturally over the next few months. I made an appointment with a new doctor who is supposed to do IVF for around $6,000 instead of the $18,000 our doctor now charges. The soonest appointment we could get was June 1st. The other day I was thinking of IVF & just feeling so scared & stressed about it. I am so terrified of needles & getting blood draws & stressed about being able to rearrange work for everything. But that passed & I am feeling ok now. I do feel like I have felt better not being on so many fertility meds lately. I am still taking Metformin & prenatals but am not taking any other meds, for the first time in a long time. It has been nice to not feel so emotional & so many highs & lows. I have just been trying to forget about all of the infertility problems this month & just relax, easier said than done though of course!
This weekend I will be going to a bachelorette/girls weekend in Palm Springs so I am really excited to have nothing to do other than eat, relax at the pool, & visit! A dream!!!!