On Friday I go in for a surgery to see if my fallopian tubes can be unblocked. I am nervous because I will need an IV & I'm I just feel like I'm going to pass out when I think of that & what they will be doing. I'm just trying not to think about it. I have been trying not to think about the whole infertility thing lately & not stress about it. I have faith & hope that things will work out the way & in the timing that they are supposed to. That doesn't mean I don't get sad though, I have just been trying not to let myself feel like that too often & have been keeping busy. I've also been working hard to get back into working out regularly, which helps tire me out & have less time & energy to spend worrying. One thing I have realized lately is that every single person has huge trials that they are going through. Of course, we can't pick & choose our trials, but Heavenly Father knows what trials we need to go through to learn & grow & will not give us trials we can't handle. I have really been trying to be conscious of others & tried to focus more on what I can do for others or what struggles they might be going through & things I can do to help other than thinking about my own trials. It has helped me immensely & I am thankful for that. I realized I have really only been thinking about myself & my struggles lately & it is such a selfish thing, I could have been doing so much more good for others. Anyways, my goal the rest of this year & beyond is to focus on serving others & being mindful of struggles they might be going through.
One of my favorite Mormon Messages.
"Don't you quit; you keep walking, you keep trying. There is help & happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, & some don't come till heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."
-Elder Jeffry R. Holland
I know that the times when I am going through trials, I also grow the closest to my Heavenly Father & can look back on that time & see the lessons I learned. I have faith that everything will be alright in the end.
About a week ago I had my blood taken to see if I would qualify for an IVF study. If I qualified, it would mean that Nate & I could have IVF done for $1,600 instead of $16,000. We knew it was a small chance I would qualify, but we didn't give up hope. I had a small glimmer of hope in my heart that things would work out. We fasted several weeks & prayed daily. I had gotten my AMH level tested a few weeks before & it was too low to qualify for the study, but I was told if I had the test done when I was dehydrated & when it was a certain time of the month, there was a small chance it would increase the level. The timing wasn't working out & there were only a few days left before I would need to qualify, so I called the office on Monday & ended up rushing over there that right after work to get my blood taken. It was then sent to a lab on the East Coast, so we had several days to think, worry, & hope about the results. I tried to keep busy & not think about it too much but I just had a hope & feeling that things would work out. I had Friday off of work & that was the day we were supposed to get the call. I went to a Pilates class & then Roll & Release (stretching) class at the gym with my sister, Brittany to try & get my mind of what the results would be. Afterwards, I showered & got ready & then headed over to Britt's house, we were going to be meeting our sister, Brooke, for lunch. While at Britt's house, I got the call. I nervously, anxiously answered. It not a lady from the doctor's office, but a lady from the study office calling. I awaited the results, my levels did qualify for the study, but unfortunately, the study was now full. My eyes filled with tears & my heart just dropped as I tried to say something. I asked if we could be put on a waiting list in case someone dropped out, but was told that wasn't possible because everyone needed to start the study at the same time. I tried to say goodbye as I hung up the phone & began to sob. Even as I write this now, my eyes fill with tears. I know that I should have not gotten my hopes up that everytime through this process, I get my hopes up a little & then things never work out as we are told they should. First, I had hope I could get pregnant naturally, then I was told Clomid & Metformin would be an easy fix. Then I was told IUI would work, then I was told my fallopian tubes were both blocked but it was possible I would qualify for a IVF study. Each time, Nate & I have prayed and hoped & had faith, but each time, we have gotten disappointing answers. Though this has been a very sad & emotional few years, I know that Heavenly Father is there & knows our sorrows & hears our prayers & is right there with me when I am crying. I know that this is part of our plan & I even know in my heart that we weren't meant to do the study. I don't know why, but I know that the people that qualified, needed it more than us at this time & that it will be our time when the timing is right. Even though I felt so overwhelmingly sad hearing the news & knowing that we had met the qualifications, but just not soon enough, I felt the Savior's love as I was able to not be alone when I heard the news. I was with Brittany, who is so sweet. I was able to talk to Nate & have his support. I was able to talk to my sister, Melissa, who has gone through so many years of infertility, I had sweet texts from my family, & then I was able to go to lunch with my sisters & not be alone. I know that those were all tender mercies from Heavenly Father. Then the next 2 days, Nate & I were able to spend a lot of time together & watch General Conference together. There were so many amazing messages shared that gave me so much hope & reassured me over & over again that Heavenly Father loves me & is there for me & hears my prayers. I know that there are so many others with struggles so much harder than my own. I have so many things to be thankful for & am surrounded by such loving family & friends. After listening to conference this weekend, I feel happiness, love, & hope. Here are some of my favorite quotes from conference.