I never knew what it would be like to want to have a child so badly but not be able to. To be going to countless doctor's appointments, paying thousands of dollars, getting shots in my stomach at home, & doing it all because I wanted a child so bad. I pictured graduating college, getting married, having a few years to travel, & then having 4-5 children. I didn't picture going through years of infertility, so many brokenhearted days, working at jobs year after year while wishing I could be a mom. I hear of people that can just choose what month they want to get pregnant & plan a specific vacation to get pregnant in a different country & it hurts so bad. I don't want others to have to struggle with infertility but I don't want it to be my struggle either. But it is part of my life & something that will make me stronger & a better mother when the time is right. I got an email back from my doctor's office today with the pricing & options for IVF & it just made me sad reading through & thinking of what if this doesn't work. What if all of this is for nothing. What if I can't get pregnant. I know that somehow N & I will be able to have children but it still hurts waiting & not knowing how exactly or when. I guess life just never goes how it's planned though & one day I will look back on this blog & these words & know that everything I have was worth the wait & that I needed this time to appreciate what I would have & learn & grow.
I love that Sundays are reserved for church, family time, & resting from the week. I have found that lately I just really need that extra reminder to think of others, ways to improve myself, & reserved time to spend with my husband & family. This Sunday church just seemed extra great. The only hard part about church is that every single person seems to have a baby or tons of children & it is just hard not to think about the fact that we can't have children when seeing that. I know that one day it will be our day though!
Something that helps me feel better sometimes is planning fun things for N & I to do that we couldn't do or it would be hard to do when we have kids. Of course I would love so much to have children right now, but at least we can do everything we can to get the most out of our time now. I wish I could plan a really fun trip for us right now since that is my favorite thing to do, but our money is all being saved for IVF & N can't really miss work for the next few months or years really...! But we can have lazy Saturday mornings & go on dates downtown & go camping.
I also have a goal to run a 1/2 marathon, I just need to choose one. I was starting to get back into running & train but then my dr told me to take it easy after each IUI so that made it hard. Now I am ready to get back into running & into great shape!
One of the most difficult things with infertility is that your hopes go up & then get dashed time & time again . When I met with an obgyn after a year of trying & not getting pregnant, they were convinced I could get pregnant taking Clomid. That didn't work & then I went to a specialist who told me I had great chances of getting pregnant on Femara. Didn't happen. Then I had an uncomfortable test done where they found my fallopian tubes were both completely blocked. I had a surgery that had a 30% chance of working & it worked, they were able to successfully unblock both tubes! We were so excited & I cried tears of happiness thinking this meant we would now be able to get pregnant. We had 3 chances of getting pregnant through IUI & each time we got our hopes up & dreamed of getting a positive pregnancy test. Each time, I had some of the hardest, saddest days of my life. Now we are in the stages of saving up for IVF & I am so scared about the many, many more shots, blood draws, & mostly about getting my hopes up again & wondering how much of this we can handle.