12/6/2016 0 Comments Failed IUIWe got sad & disappointing news this morning that the IUI procedure did not work. The past 2 weeks have been stressful & seemed to go by so slowly. I was so excited to take a pregnancy test today, thinking there was a good chance it might be positive. I was told I could take it this morning & I could not sleep at all last night. I woke up at 2am, fell asleep for about 20 mins & then lay in bed, trying to fall back asleep but too anxious. Finally at 4am, I knew there was no way I was falling back asleep so I took 2 tests & nervously waited the 3 minutes. Then I checked them, both negative. It was so heartbreaking & disappointing. It seemed like everything went so well with the procedure & I let myself get my hopes up too much. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us & that everything will work out at the right time, but it is still so hard.
I love this story: God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’” Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered: “I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall. “And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. … “… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”5 -D. Todd Christofferson & this quote: The Lord strengthened them and lightened their burdens to the point they could hardly feel them upon their backs and then in due course delivered them (see Mosiah 24:8–22). Their faith was immeasurably strengthened by their experience, and ever after they enjoyed a special bond with the Lord. -D. Todd Christofferson
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12/5/2016 0 Comments Excited & NervousAt this time tomorrow I will either be incredibly sad or so extremelly happy!! Actually 15 hours from now! or 13 hours if I wake up at 3am & can not get to sleep which is really very possible. I know that, whatever the result my emotions will be high but Heavenly Father will be there to give me comfort, peace, & hope.
12/5/2016 0 Comments The Weekend before the testThis weekend was actually pretty stressful. I thought that I had some sort of infection that started on Saturday but decided to wait it out until Monday. Then it seemed to be worse Sunday so I panicked & called the doctor's office Sunday morning. They said it could possibly be an infection but if it was & I am pregnant, it shouldn't have any effect on the pregnancy. They said if I wanted I could go to urgent care. I decided to wait until Monday & when I woke up this morning everything was fine. I had been praying & know this was an answer to a prayer.
The rest of the weekend was good! Friday I made a delicious beef & vegetable stew with mashed potatoes. I let it simmer while we met up with my sister at the dog park. She has a puppy that is the same size as our dog, but once her dog is full grown, she will be MUCH bigger. We were cracking up because all of the other dogs at the park had hand knit sweaters. Guess we aren't the best dog owners, haha! We stayed until it was almost dark & watched the gorgeous sunset. Than my husand & I headed home & ate warm stew, peanut butter dark chocolate cookies, & watched a movie. Saturday my husband had to work so I got up early & got in a cleaning frenzy, cleaning all the bathrooms, the kitchen, & steam cleaning the floors. It was much needed. Then my little sister came over & we painted our nails & tried to do braids on each other. We tried to do a milkmaid type braid & it ended up looking stange on both of us!! Then we practiced doing dutch braids & they turned out pretty good! I really want to start practicing braiding more! Then N got home & we went to the cutest little French cafe for lunch. He got a Monte Cristo sandwich & fries & I got one of their specials, lasagna w/ homeade bread & salad, sooo good! Then we went to Trader Joes so I could get a mini Christmas tree with sparkles (I get one every year) & we ended up leaving with way too many truffles & chocolates. They have the best holiday treats I was so tempted to buy everything! At night we relaxed at home & ended up having leftovers & watching the new Pete's Dragon movie at night. I don't know why but I got so emotional & could not stop crying at the end. Part of it was that the movie made me so sad how Pete & Elliot were seperated but then it turned into me crying because for some reason I just felt like this IUI treatment had not worked. I was feeling so stressed that I might have some infection & I just felt overcome with stress & sorrow. I was just sobbing & sobbing. N was so sweet & just held me & let my cry. Then we went to bed & I woke up feeling much better. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. Sunday we went to church & it was such a great & uplifting meeting. We fasted & prayed that either I was pregnant & would have a healthy pregnancy or that we could be filled with comfort & peace if I was not pregnant. We also fasted & prayed for one of my old high school friends who just had a stillborn birth for her baby girl a week before her due date, so heartbreaking. After church, we relaxed & N took a nap while I wrapped some Christmas presents & made cookie dough to bring for family dinner. We had dinner at my mom & dad's house. They made teriyaki chicken, mashed potaotes, & gravy, my sister brought roasted vegetables, & I made dark chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies. Everything was so good! After dinner we watched the First Presidency Christmas Devotional which was beautiful & I loved all of the music. Then we visited & facetimed with sisters! We stayed until late & went right to bed when we got home. Today I am at work & feel like I can not focus on anything. I know that I will be able to take a pregnancy test tomorrow morning & will just be so nervous/excited until then! I really don't know how to keep distracted all day today! After work I'm going to try & keep busy by making dinner, going to yoga, & then watching a movie or something! I just know I will be waking up all night though! 12/3/2016 0 Comments Preparing myself for the results-I wonder if I the pregnancy test I take on Tuesday will be positive. If it is positive I will be so incredibly excited. I know that whatever the outcome, my Heavenly Father loves me & has a plan for me & for when I will be a mother. If I am pregnant, it will be the most amazing & wonderful Christmas miracle. As I was driving home from one of the doctor's appointments right before the IUI, songs with the word Noel kept playing & I kept thinking, if we had a little girl her middle name could be Noel & then we would always remember what a Christmas miracle she was. We will be filled with so much happiness & excitement, I can't even imagine it! We will be so excited to call family & friends & let them know the news. I wonder if the pregnancy test will be negative. I will take the test early in the morning, before work. I know that if it is negative, I will feel so sad & disappointed. I will wish I could take a day off work, but will know that I need to go & get work done. All sick & discretionary hours are carefully saved for doctor's appointments & procedure days. If the test was negative & I am reading this now, remember that Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ love me. They have a plan for me & they know what is best for me. Read this talk on not giving up https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng & this one https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten.p12-19?lang=eng&_r=1 & have a good cry. Then after work, go to a yoga class, get something good to eat for dinner & watch a good movie. Everything will be ok & we will try a second time. The Lord has a plan for me & I trust in Him. Love this quote: The Lord strengthened them and lightened their burdens to the point they could hardly feel them upon their backs and then in due course delivered them (see Mosiah 24:8–22). Their faith was immeasurably strengthened by their experience, and ever after they enjoyed a special bond with the Lord. -D. Todd Christofferson I love this story: God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’” Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered: “I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall. “And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. … “… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”5 -D. Todd Christofferson 12/2/2016 0 Comments The two week wait4 more days until I can take a pregnancy test! The suspense is killing me!!! I keep thinking , my stomach is cramping, is that a symptom of pregnancy? The problem is that every early symptom of pregnancy also seems to be a symptom of starting your period. & then there is the progesterone that I am taking each day that also gives symptoms of pregnancy so overall, there is no way to tell until Tuesday!!! I ate a huge slice of chocolate pie before going to the gym yesterday that I had been thinking about for days & was wondering, is this a pregnancy craving? More than likely I just really wanted that pie though!!
Here are some of the symptoms I have had over the past 2 weeks though, either from the progesterone or from (hopefully!) being pregnant. Symptoms past 2 weeks: moody (I have felt sooo grumpy some nights but am trying no to show it), huge & sore boobs (maybe TMI but it is true!), cramping (mostly the past 2 days), heartburn, a big zit on my forehead where I never have acne. I also felt like I was getting a cold yesterday evening, my throat was feeling scratchy, but I feel fine today! I have been doing my best to stay really busy so that I don't think too much about taking the test on Tuesday! I wake up between 5:45 and 6 every morning, shower, get ready, eat breakfast, head to work, try to stay busy at work, go grocery shopping or do errands after work, read a book or take my dog on a walk, make elaborate dinners (cooking helps to destress me sometimes), go to the gym (I have been going to a yoga or on the barre class each evening which really helps me to destress & feel good, have dinner after the gym, relax & watch a show or Christmas movie with my husband & then go to bed. Today is Friday so I will work on having a both busy & relaxing weekend. I was thinking of doing a spa day at home Saturday where I can take a bubble bath, read, do a homeade face mask, paint my nails, & just have a really nice relaxing day. I also have to clean the house really good either today or tomorrow, I have been needing to steam clean the floors badly! I just know Monday is going to be the hardest day, the day before I can take the test! |
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August 2017
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