Last month was what we thought would be the first chance we had to get pregnant. Unfortunately, I didn't have my period & I don't think I ovulated. I took about 7 tests to see if I did, but after they were all negative, I saved my pregnancy tests for the next month. Nate & I were disappointed to not even feel like we had a chance but luckily it was so busy with Thanksgiving & Christmas prep that the next few months went by pretty quickly. It was hard realizing that we wouldn't have a chance to be pregnant by Christmas though. We had been so excited thinking that it was possible we could be pregnant by Christmas & could surprise both of our families with the news. But I know there is a reason for everything. Maybe it is so that my sister who is trying to get pregnant won't feel sad because she isn't pregnant yet. We will see what the next month brings. I keep noticing nativity sets & pictures of Joseph & Mary with baby Jesus & that gives me comfort & peace.
“One day you will wake up and all of the waiting will have made sense. You will realize that all of the prayers that seemed to be tangled in worries were actually wrapped tightly in God’s grace. You will realize that even though before, you were certain it was over, you were actually...okay, and everything that was supposed to happen, happened. Everyone you were supposed to meet, you met. Everything you were supposed to do, you did. Everywhere you were supposed to go, you went. You will begin to realize that after all this time, because of His love for you, you have always been right where you needed to be.”
-Morgan Harper Nichols
Sometimes I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. Another month goes by & I'm not pregnant. I look at pictures on my friends' social media feeds & almost all of them have 2 or 3 kids or more. Or they are pregnant. It's hard not to compare & get down on myself. We had a meeting with a leader from our church yesterday & he was asking how we were doing. We had told him previously about our wish to be able to grow our family. He & his wife have adopted several kids from foster care & he told us that the birth mom of one of their children was having another child & was wanting to have them adopted. When I heard that I felt a moment where I thought how crazy/amazing that would be to have a baby, but then it was quickly filled with a feeling of anxiety & nervousness & not feeling right.
Nate & I talked about it after & we both still feel like we would like to try longer to be able to get pregnant. It is such a hard thing because who knows how long it will take or if I will ever get pregnant. But I know that things will work out in the way that they are supposed to. It is just hard because with couples that can get pregnant when they want to, they can just choose when to have children but for couples struggling with infertility it is so stressful & there are so many big decisions. Should we do fertility treatments? How far should we go? Should we do IUI? IVF? How many rounds should we do? How much money can we spend? How much money should we spend? What if we never get pregnant? Should we do adoption? Should we have foster children & hope to adopt? It is just so crazy & stressful & that is what we are in the midst of right now.
Luckily, Nate & I feel on the same page about things. We are not against adoption & it would be something we would do if we both prayed & felt really good about it. Right now we have both been praying & thinking about things & feel like we should spend some more time trying to get pregnant. I know that it sounds selfish & that if we did adopt in the future, they would still be just as much our children, but I would love so much to be able to go through the experience of pregnancy & labor & to have children that were a part of Nate & I.
So our plan is we try to get pregnant naturally for 2 more months (December & January). If that doesn't work, we meet back with our doctor & try just using Femara for 2 months. If that doesn't work then we will try IUI's. If those don't work, we will do IVF. I am hoping so bad that we can get pregnant naturally. It's just that we have already gone through so many years with all of these appointments, shots, tests, IUI's, & surgeries & it feels like almost a waste to just start them all over again. But we will have faith & continue to do what we feel is right. I have faith that it will all work out in the end & that it will be even better than we ever could have imagined.
One month down since we have had a chance to be pregnant & I am sad to say we are not. I was hoping so badly that we would be pregnant by Christmas & know that we were pregnant & have that happy little secret & surprise both of our families.
I pictured having a gift they would open with little baby shoes or a stuffed animal. I remember hoping that so badly last Christmas & the past 3 Christmas seasons. Last Christmas was the year that our IUI's were unsuccessful, the year before was when we were doing clomid or femara, & the year before was the year we were trying to get pregnant & hoping each month to have a positive pregnancy test, not knowing that hundreds of negative tests would be in our future.
Sometimes it is fun to get so excited thinking of how it will be when I am pregnant & when we have children. Sometimes it just hurts though, when you have had thoughts like that so many times but are still in the same place.
This Christmas season I am going to really try hard to serve others & think of others. I feel like I have been thinking about myself too much lately & this is the perfect time to forget myself & serve others. I have faith in my Heavenly Father that there is a reason that Nate & I have not had children yet. We have grown closer together & had experiences that we needed to have & when we do have children, I know it will be so much easier to recognize that. For now we will continue to have faith.
These past few weeks seem like they have gone by so slowly fertility wise. Right after I had my surgery I had my period (like
I went in for my post-op appointment yesterday. I got off work an hour early & met Nate at our house. Then we headed to the office, about an hour drive from our house. I was feeling stressed & nervous as usual. I wish I didn't feel so stressed but since the majority of my infertility doctor's appointments usual end up with me hearing bad/sad news, I can't help but feeling stressed. We got to the office/hospital & we immediately seen by one of the surgeons who had done my surgery, Dr. Wasson (Dr. Wasson & Dr. Magrina were the doctors who did my surgery). She was so nice & friendly & first answered any questions that we had.
Then she had me undress from the waist down. When she left the room I started undressing & took my shirt off too, then realized that I didn't need to do that. I put my shirt back on & all the sudden she was knocking on the door to come in. I grabbed the sheet & then sat down just in time! She used a speculum & tool to check how everything looked & how it had recovered from the surgery. She said that there was one little area that needed some nitrate to heal a little more, so she put that on. Everything else looked good, so overall it was good news!
I told her that my fertility doctor, Dr. Amols, had wanted me to come in for an HSG test to check my fallopian tubes but that we had wanted to try & get pregnant naturally for about 2 or 3 months first & she said that she thought that was totally fine & that from what she had seen we shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant naturally. I had also been a little worried because I haven't started my period yet this month & normally would started by Sunday or Monday. She said that when she was doing the test, it looked like I might start in the next day or two, so hopefully that happens! I am so thankful for Dr. Amols, Dr. Magrina, & Dr. Wasson. They are all so kind & have made this experience the best that it could have been. I feel so blessed that we have been able to have such amazing doctors. Dr. Wasson told us that when we get pregnant, to send pictures of our baby, because she usually doesn't get to see those results, just normally doing surgeries. I hope so badly that we can get pregnant. I am still hoping & praying that we might get pregnant by Christmas, but I trust in the Lord's timing.
After our appointment we went to Midici for an early dinner. We got their Italian salad which is soooo good, margherita pizza(also amazing), & a chocolate hazelnut gelato to share. It was fun having time to spend together & we were both so happy & relieved that everything looked ok. Nate was also very happy that the doctor had given us orders to try & make a baby, haha! After dinner we stopped at Last Chance & got some Christmas presents for each other. Then we listened to Christmas music on the drive home. I am so excited for Christmas already!!! I'm thankful for our answered prayers & feel so blessed that the surgery & my recovery went well.
I just heard some very sad news from a family member today. All I can say is that my heart is very heavy. When you are younger, it seems so fun to be a grown up & you can't wait until you get older. Then you get older & realize that being an adult comes with a lot of responsibilities & that you & others around you are struggling with huge issues. I have had a few family situations in the last year that have left me feeling so incredibly sad & so stressed thinking of what others are going through. & I don't know what to do to help. It has really helped me to realize that you never know what others are going through & that it is really important to not focus on yourself, but to do service for others because you never know how much it might mean to them. I have also really been thinking so much about how thankful I am to have such a loving husband & family members. Having a lot of money really means nothing & I think a lot of times it brings different challenges. Nate & I don't have a lot of money, but we have a loving marriage & we are always there for each other. Sometimes we fight but we are always able to overcome our challenges & I am so thankful for that. I guess really I just wanted to write this post to get my thoughts out & to remember how blessed I am.
Took some funny pictures of our dog to send to my nephews! We had a fun Halloween making a fall dinner (chicken pot pie & homeade pumpkin pie) with my sister & her husband. Then we watched Sleepy Hollow & gave out Halloween candy to trick or treaters. I can't wait until we have little kids to dress up & take trick or treating!!!
A week from tomorrow I will be having my post-op appointment to make sure I healed correctly & to see if I can start trying to get pregnant!! I am hoping so badly that it goes well & that everything looks ok! I am thankful for the wonderful doctors who did my surgery. They were so kind & I feel blessed that I was able to be so well taken care of. I just got a message from my fertility doctor's office that they set up an appointment for me to have an HSG test done next week also. This test would be done to check if my fallopian tubes are blocked. I had that test done about 2 years ago & they told me my tubes were blocked & then I had a "surgery" to unblock them. It was over $1,500 (not covered by insurance at all) & also the most pain I have ever felt afterwards. Then we later found out I had a septum so they were not even in my fallopian tubes when they did the procedure. I am not against having an HSG done just to see if my tubes look ok, but it is also very possible that my tubes are fine & I might want to try & get pregnant naturally for 2 or 3 months first & then set an appointment if I am not able to get pregnant after that. The test does cost $300 & I know that is not a ton of money compared to all of the other money we have spent on infertility but it will also feel like a waste if I have that done & then get pregnant quickly. I also worry about messing anything up this month, since I am hoping soooo badly that I can get pregnant this month & be able to pregnant at Christmas! That would just be the most amazing miracle ever. I know that is a small chance, but I still have hope!
Right now Nate & I are in the waiting period. After the surgery I was told we needed to wait 6-8 weeks before trying to get pregnant. So far it has been 4 weeks & in 2 weeks I will go in for a postop appointment to make sure everything healed ok. For me, the waiting part is one of the hardest parts of infertility. When you are going in for appointments & doing ultrasounds & injections for IUI's or prepping for IVF it is stressful, but you know that you are doing what you can & you have appointments scheduled. Luckily, the past few weeks were busy so they went by pretty quickly but I feel like the next 2 weeks will drag on. & then there is the question of do we do any infertility treatments or tests or just try to get pregnant naturally & for how long? Our surgeon said he thought that there was a good possibility that we might be able to get pregnant naturally & that would be the most amazing miracle ever. I can't even picture getting pregnant without having tons of doctor's appointments, shots, paying thousands of dollars, & the whole IUI or IVF process. I almost don't want to get my hopes up incase we do need to go through those things. My fertility doctor's office messaged me yesterday to set up a hysteroscopy appointment to check if my fallopian tubes are blocked & it made me feel stressed out. I don't think I want to go through the stress of more appointments before we try to get pregnant for a few months. So we decided we will try to get pregnant naturally for 3 months & if we don't get pregnant, we will see if we can try Femara for another 3 months. If that doesn't work, then 3 rounds of IUI & if that doesn't work, IVF. I am really, really hoping that we can have a miracle & get pregnant naturally but I know that we can get through anything with the help of our Heavenly Father. These past 3 1/2 years have been rough but I know that Nate & I have grown closer together & I know that when we have children, we will love them more deeply that we could have & appreciate all of the little things that we wouldn't have noticed had we not struggled with infertility. I have faith in our Heavenly Father's plan for us & know it is much better than anything I could have planned. (*Also, just a side note but I have always had the feeling I would have twins...)