One month down since we have had a chance to be pregnant & I am sad to say we are not. I was hoping so badly that we would be pregnant by Christmas & know that we were pregnant & have that happy little secret & surprise both of our families.
I pictured having a gift they would open with little baby shoes or a stuffed animal. I remember hoping that so badly last Christmas & the past 3 Christmas seasons. Last Christmas was the year that our IUI's were unsuccessful, the year before was when we were doing clomid or femara, & the year before was the year we were trying to get pregnant & hoping each month to have a positive pregnancy test, not knowing that hundreds of negative tests would be in our future.
Sometimes it is fun to get so excited thinking of how it will be when I am pregnant & when we have children. Sometimes it just hurts though, when you have had thoughts like that so many times but are still in the same place.
This Christmas season I am going to really try hard to serve others & think of others. I feel like I have been thinking about myself too much lately & this is the perfect time to forget myself & serve others. I have faith in my Heavenly Father that there is a reason that Nate & I have not had children yet. We have grown closer together & had experiences that we needed to have & when we do have children, I know it will be so much easier to recognize that. For now we will continue to have faith.
These past few weeks seem like they have gone by so slowly fertility wise. Right after I had my surgery I had my period (like
I went in for my post-op appointment yesterday. I got off work an hour early & met Nate at our house. Then we headed to the office, about an hour drive from our house. I was feeling stressed & nervous as usual. I wish I didn't feel so stressed but since the majority of my infertility doctor's appointments usual end up with me hearing bad/sad news, I can't help but feeling stressed. We got to the office/hospital & we immediately seen by one of the surgeons who had done my surgery, Dr. Wasson (Dr. Wasson & Dr. Magrina were the doctors who did my surgery). She was so nice & friendly & first answered any questions that we had.
Then she had me undress from the waist down. When she left the room I started undressing & took my shirt off too, then realized that I didn't need to do that. I put my shirt back on & all the sudden she was knocking on the door to come in. I grabbed the sheet & then sat down just in time! She used a speculum & tool to check how everything looked & how it had recovered from the surgery. She said that there was one little area that needed some nitrate to heal a little more, so she put that on. Everything else looked good, so overall it was good news!
I told her that my fertility doctor, Dr. Amols, had wanted me to come in for an HSG test to check my fallopian tubes but that we had wanted to try & get pregnant naturally for about 2 or 3 months first & she said that she thought that was totally fine & that from what she had seen we shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant naturally. I had also been a little worried because I haven't started my period yet this month & normally would started by Sunday or Monday. She said that when she was doing the test, it looked like I might start in the next day or two, so hopefully that happens! I am so thankful for Dr. Amols, Dr. Magrina, & Dr. Wasson. They are all so kind & have made this experience the best that it could have been. I feel so blessed that we have been able to have such amazing doctors. Dr. Wasson told us that when we get pregnant, to send pictures of our baby, because she usually doesn't get to see those results, just normally doing surgeries. I hope so badly that we can get pregnant. I am still hoping & praying that we might get pregnant by Christmas, but I trust in the Lord's timing.
After our appointment we went to Midici for an early dinner. We got their Italian salad which is soooo good, margherita pizza(also amazing), & a chocolate hazelnut gelato to share. It was fun having time to spend together & we were both so happy & relieved that everything looked ok. Nate was also very happy that the doctor had given us orders to try & make a baby, haha! After dinner we stopped at Last Chance & got some Christmas presents for each other. Then we listened to Christmas music on the drive home. I am so excited for Christmas already!!! I'm thankful for our answered prayers & feel so blessed that the surgery & my recovery went well.
I just heard some very sad news from a family member today. All I can say is that my heart is very heavy. When you are younger, it seems so fun to be a grown up & you can't wait until you get older. Then you get older & realize that being an adult comes with a lot of responsibilities & that you & others around you are struggling with huge issues. I have had a few family situations in the last year that have left me feeling so incredibly sad & so stressed thinking of what others are going through. & I don't know what to do to help. It has really helped me to realize that you never know what others are going through & that it is really important to not focus on yourself, but to do service for others because you never know how much it might mean to them. I have also really been thinking so much about how thankful I am to have such a loving husband & family members. Having a lot of money really means nothing & I think a lot of times it brings different challenges. Nate & I don't have a lot of money, but we have a loving marriage & we are always there for each other. Sometimes we fight but we are always able to overcome our challenges & I am so thankful for that. I guess really I just wanted to write this post to get my thoughts out & to remember how blessed I am.
Took some funny pictures of our dog to send to my nephews! We had a fun Halloween making a fall dinner (chicken pot pie & homeade pumpkin pie) with my sister & her husband. Then we watched Sleepy Hollow & gave out Halloween candy to trick or treaters. I can't wait until we have little kids to dress up & take trick or treating!!!
A week from tomorrow I will be having my post-op appointment to make sure I healed correctly & to see if I can start trying to get pregnant!! I am hoping so badly that it goes well & that everything looks ok! I am thankful for the wonderful doctors who did my surgery. They were so kind & I feel blessed that I was able to be so well taken care of. I just got a message from my fertility doctor's office that they set up an appointment for me to have an HSG test done next week also. This test would be done to check if my fallopian tubes are blocked. I had that test done about 2 years ago & they told me my tubes were blocked & then I had a "surgery" to unblock them. It was over $1,500 (not covered by insurance at all) & also the most pain I have ever felt afterwards. Then we later found out I had a septum so they were not even in my fallopian tubes when they did the procedure. I am not against having an HSG done just to see if my tubes look ok, but it is also very possible that my tubes are fine & I might want to try & get pregnant naturally for 2 or 3 months first & then set an appointment if I am not able to get pregnant after that. The test does cost $300 & I know that is not a ton of money compared to all of the other money we have spent on infertility but it will also feel like a waste if I have that done & then get pregnant quickly. I also worry about messing anything up this month, since I am hoping soooo badly that I can get pregnant this month & be able to pregnant at Christmas! That would just be the most amazing miracle ever. I know that is a small chance, but I still have hope!
Right now Nate & I are in the waiting period. After the surgery I was told we needed to wait 6-8 weeks before trying to get pregnant. So far it has been 4 weeks & in 2 weeks I will go in for a postop appointment to make sure everything healed ok. For me, the waiting part is one of the hardest parts of infertility. When you are going in for appointments & doing ultrasounds & injections for IUI's or prepping for IVF it is stressful, but you know that you are doing what you can & you have appointments scheduled. Luckily, the past few weeks were busy so they went by pretty quickly but I feel like the next 2 weeks will drag on. & then there is the question of do we do any infertility treatments or tests or just try to get pregnant naturally & for how long? Our surgeon said he thought that there was a good possibility that we might be able to get pregnant naturally & that would be the most amazing miracle ever. I can't even picture getting pregnant without having tons of doctor's appointments, shots, paying thousands of dollars, & the whole IUI or IVF process. I almost don't want to get my hopes up incase we do need to go through those things. My fertility doctor's office messaged me yesterday to set up a hysteroscopy appointment to check if my fallopian tubes are blocked & it made me feel stressed out. I don't think I want to go through the stress of more appointments before we try to get pregnant for a few months. So we decided we will try to get pregnant naturally for 3 months & if we don't get pregnant, we will see if we can try Femara for another 3 months. If that doesn't work, then 3 rounds of IUI & if that doesn't work, IVF. I am really, really hoping that we can have a miracle & get pregnant naturally but I know that we can get through anything with the help of our Heavenly Father. These past 3 1/2 years have been rough but I know that Nate & I have grown closer together & I know that when we have children, we will love them more deeply that we could have & appreciate all of the little things that we wouldn't have noticed had we not struggled with infertility. I have faith in our Heavenly Father's plan for us & know it is much better than anything I could have planned. (*Also, just a side note but I have always had the feeling I would have twins...)
A week ago I had my surgery. Luckily, the week before the surgery was busy & I didn't have much time to worry. I did get in a huge cleaning frenzy the night before though & made Nate help me with cleaning the entire house. I vacuumed the whole house, steam cleaned all the tile, washed all of the laundry & sheets, cleaned the kitchen, & had Nate clean the bathrooms & showers. I love being in a clean house & knew that if I was going to be home all week I wanted everything to be super clean. We went to bed Wednesday night & then got up early Thursday to get ready & drive down to the hospital. We were supposed to get there at 9:00 am which was perfect because I just wanted to get everything done with & not have to worry about anything.
We got to the hospital & checked in. Then I was quickly taken into a room to get ready for the surgery. There were 4 different nurses in the room & they were all so nice & friendly. They had me do a urine sample to take a pregnancy test- negative of course, change into a gown & socks, take my wedding ring off (one of the nurses helped me because I could not get it off!), put these sticky pads on my tailbone & feet, & then as one nurse was asking me questions, another nurse did the IV. That was what I was most nervous for, but it was actually not too bad because the other nurse was asking me questions & so many things were going on that it was easy to not focus on the IV.
Then Nate was allowed to come back so he sat by me & we watched Fixer Upper & he tried to make me not nervous by rolling all around the room on a chair & making me laugh. I am so thankful to always have him by my side. The nurses had said it might be up to 2 hours before I went in for the surgery because Dr. Magrina was working on another surgery. Right after they said that though, Dr. Magrina & another doctor came in & he said he had just finished. He asked us if we had any questions & we asked him a few questions that we had written down. He is such a nice doctor & answered all of our questions & made us laugh. He introduced the other doctor with him, Dr. Wasson, who would be helping with the surgery as well & would do our follow up. Then the anesthesiologist came in & talked to us a little & then a PA came in & talked to us.
Then they asked if I would like something to make me relax for before the surgery. I said yes so quickly!!! They gave me something to relax, then I said bye to Nate, & then they wheeled my down the hall. It felt kind of surreal being pushed down a hospital lying on a bed, going into surgery. Then I was in the room & there were these huge, odd shaped lights up on the ceiling & lots of people. They helped switch me onto the bed & halfway through that is all I remember. I don't remember being on the bed all the way, so I must have just fell asleep even before getting the anesthesia. I guess I respond very quickly to relaxant medicine, haha!!
The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room & having a nurse bring me shortbread cookies & water. She told me they would get my husband & then 15 minutes later Nate was there (he had given blood while he was waiting & then went to get my medicine from the hospital pharmacy). We we were joking before that he could just spend the whole day at the hospital because they had all these signs for yoga, martial arts, & other classes that he kept saying he would need to go to. I rested for about an hour & then got dressed & then someone pushed me in a wheelchair down to the car.
I felt a little out of it, but pretty good & Nate was starving, so we wend to Midici to get pizza & I had a little salad. Then we headed home! I am so thankful for all of the wonderful staff at the Mayo Clinic, they were amazing & I felt like the care there was great! Dr. Magrina had come out to talk to Nate & told him that the surgery went very well. They were able to remove the septum completely & also checked out my uterus, cervix, & fallopian tubes (which were not blocked from the outside). They said that they think that we should be able to get pregnant without fertility treatments which would be soooo amazing!
We are hoping & praying that that is true! It would be my dream to be pregnant at Christmas. I remember the past 3 Christmas' wishing that so badly. Or thinking how wonderful it would be to have a baby by the next Christmas. I remember driving home from an appointment with my fertility doctor, getting ready for an IUI & hearing the song, Noel, as I was driving home. I had thought that was such a pretty name & thought, what if it's a sign that we will get pregnant this IUI & be pregnant by Christmas. Sadly, the IUI was unsuccessful & we were so sad & disappointed. 3 1/2 years later & I have still never been pregnant but I am hoping for a Christmas miracle this year! I will never give up hope!
Two days before my surgery I went in for a pre-op appointment & ultrasound. My mom came with me so that I wouldn't have to wait alone & it was nice to have her there with me. I originally thought I was just there for 2 appointments, but realized I actually had 4 back to back appointments (I hadn't realized there was a 2nd page to my schedule). I really like the Mayo Clinic, they are so organized & everything is run very efficiently.
My first appointment was a regular ultrasound & then a vaginal ultrasound, both to see if my left ovary was twisted or if it looked normal. If it showed it was twisted, I would need to also have a laparoscopic surgery to untwist & secure that ovary. I was praying so badly that I would not need a 2nd surgery. I had been told to drink 6 cups of water & not go to the bathroom, so I was pretty much dying when I got in there. The ultrasound tech was pushing on my stomach for the first ultrasound for a veeeerry long time & then finally she said I could go to the bathroom before the 2nd ultrasound. Best feeling ever!!! I came back in for the 2nd ultrasound & then asked the tech if it looked ok. She said that our doctor would need to let us know but that she wouldn't worry if she was me. That was such a relief to me & an answer to a prayer. We got an email from our doctor the next day saying that my ovary looked good.
After the ultrasounds, my next appointment said lab work. I hate needles & getting my blood drawn but Nate (that morning) & my mom had both assured me that they were sure I wouldn't have to get my blood taken. As a nurse got me for that appointment, she took me straight to a room with all of the blood drawing equipment... ugh!!! It was probably better I didn't expect it though so that I didn't get all stressed about it beforehand. I told the nurse I was so scared of needles & she seemed nervous. I tried to make conversation & ask how long she had worked there & she said a month & that she had done her training there. I felt bad, but I hate needles so much & I did not want a new nurse drawing my blood but I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I didn't say anything. After 2 tries & trying to pump my arm, she went to get someone else, who got a smaller needle & did the job right away on my other arm. I was so glad to be out of there!
Next I had an appointment to sign paperwork. Then an appointment with a PA to go over the surgery & what I should expect after. After all of the appointments, my mom treated me to pizza & salad & I treated here to a nutella calzone. I am so glad that the ultrasound went well & that I will just need one surgery instead of 2. I really hope that everything goes well!!!
2 weeks ago I had an ultrasound & MRI to get prepared for my surgery. The ultrasound was to check if I have 2 kidneys because 1 out of 4 people who have vaginal septum only have 1 kidney for some reason. Of course you can survive with one kidney but they just have to be extra careful with the surgery if you only have 1. The ultrasound went good & they found that I do have 2 kidneys, yay! I told the ultrasound tech, this is the first time I've had a test done & everything looked normal! Little did I know how the MRI would go!
I waited in the waiting room for another hour & then it was time for my MRI. The MRI was not a good experience. Because of the ultrasound & MRI, I was told not to eat after 8am and not to drink anything after 12. It was 6:30 when they started getting me prepped for the MRI. They gave me a shot in the muscle in one arm & an IV that stayed in in the other arm. I hate needles & especially IV's more than anything & did not know that they would be doing those, so I was feeling so stressed. I was also all alone & wishing so bad that Nate or someone was there with me. Then, they put me in the MRI & said it would take about 30 minutes. They said they had music they could play, but it wasn't working so it was just me in the noisy machine. After about 30 minutes, they pulled me out and said that something wasn't working quite right & told me to just breathe lightly & not move my chest when I was breathing. They said normally they would have me hold my breath for a minute 6 times, but it wasn't quite working so I just needed to be very still the whole time. Then they put me back in. After that, I started feeling so stressed and claustrophobic & I just felt so horrible. I was trying to breathe lightly but then I felt like I wasn't getting enough air & then I would feel panicked & like I couldn't breathe more because then I might have to come back a different day for another MRI. It was like that for another hour and then they finally pulled me out & had me change & leave. By this time it was 9:30. I hadn't eaten in 13 1/2 hours & was starving. I drove straight to Chipotle, ate an entire burrito & then didn't feel very good. Then I had the drive home, it started pouring rain & I could barely see on the freeway, I got off on the wrong freeway & got all turned around. I finally made it home but I felt so sick & just completely exhausted.
The next day the hospital called & asked if I was feeling ok. I said I was & then they told me that on the MRI it looked like I could have ovary torsion (a twisted ovary) but since I was feeling fine it must be ok. They said if I felt very intense pain all of the sudden, to call them right away or go to the emergency room if it was after hours. We were going to San Diego that day for the weekend so I was so stressed that it would twist all the way while we were driving but luckily nothing happened!!!