Lying on the floor crying
Trying to hide the pain
Acting like everything is normal
Infertility is also
This summer break was relaxing & fun & the highlights were a girls surf trip to San Diego, a summer regional trip to Sedona with my honey, & a family reunion in Rocky Point with all of my family. I feel so blessed that we were able to have such a fun summer. In between the fun & good there was also sad, discouraging, & disappointing, but without the bad, we wouldn't see the good. My sweet grandpa passed away this summer, which was hard. This past year and a half both of my grandpa's, my sweet aunt, & N's grandma & grandpa passed away. So sad, but we are thankful to know they are in a better place.
In between the fun trips, I had some doctor's appointments & was nervous but excited to get started on my first round of IVF. We have been saving for the past 3 years for this & were so anxious knowing we would have a higher chance of getting pregnant. Well, before we got started on the meds, my doctor wanted to do a special type of ultrasound to make sure my uterus was a normal shape. I was feeling pretty nervous about the test because N couldn't come with me & they had told me it involved a balloon type thing & water shooting up there & it just sounded awkward.. Welcome to the world of infertility though, haha! Anyways, my mom ended up coming with me, which was nice & we got lunch beforehand & went shopping. When they started the test everything seemed fine & the doctor was talking to me & asking me questions. Then he got silent & started asking the nurse for different tools & I could just tell that something was wrong. I was so scared & also the test was uncomfortable & took a long time & then finally the doctor told me that something wasn't quite right & to get dressed & meet him in the consult room. I got dressed quickly & went in the room & he told me that he thought I might have a vaginal septum that was blocking my uterus almost completely except for a tiny hole. He asked if I felt uncomfortable using a tampon (which I do but I just thought it was normal) & if I have very painful periods (which I do). He told me to set up an appointment that week to do another test with a camera (a hysteroscopy) to make sure that was what I had.
I came back a few days later, had another very uncomfortable & long test & they were able to take pictures & videos to determine that I did indeed have vaginal septum. So then, instead of starting IVF, I had to cancel everything & we are now waiting to have our doctor contact a surgeon & set up the surgery. It is all very stressful. One thing that has been so hard is that every single test that has been done, they say that they are just checking for something which I probably don't have & then I do end up having whatever that is. This is just another one of those cases. I guess this condition is so extremely rare, which does not make me feel better. I just wish I could have a normal body that could get pregnant. I hear mom's complaining about their children, & complaining about how they get pregnant so easily & it just breaks my heart. I know that one day this trial will be over & I will look back on it & see the things I learned but at this time it is just so hard.
I am thankful for what I have though. N & I have such a strong marriage & he has always been there for me. I am thankful for my belief in God & that has gotten me through this! This surgery could be a good thing in the long run, it's possible that they could remove the septum & then I could get pregnant naturally now & from then on, which would be the most amazing thing every. I'm thankful that they were able to discover this issue before we started IVF & at this time rather than years later.
Anyways, that't my update. Hopefully the surgery will be scheduled soon & will go well!
This video touched me today. To me it shows that we are all so beautiful & talented but sometimes feel alone or unrecognized by others, but God always sees the beauty & potential in us. His is the opinion that matters & we are always loved by Him & are never truly alone.
As expected, I took a pregnancy test & it only took 10 seconds for the test to register I was not pregnant. I crawled back into bed & into my husband's arms. He has been my rock through this. I am thankful to know that he is always there for me & that I can talk to him about anything. We weren't too disappointed since we haven't let ourselves get our hopes up after the IUI's. A part of me just feels sad & worn out, & on the verge of being sick today. Sunday night we had my family over for dinner & we making grilled chicken & mashed potatoes. I was making the rub for the chicken & the smell of the spices was making me so queasy. Then when N was making the mashed potatoes & adding garlic powder I was feeling queasy again & had to lie down. A tiny part of me was wondering if I was pregnant & that is why I was queasy, but alas I am still feeling queasy & am not pregnant & am probably just on the verge of the flu or something...
This weekend I was feeling so incredibly emotional. I'm not on any medication right now other than Metformin & prenatals (not pregnant, I have just been taking these the past 3 years hoping to get pregnant & make sure my body has all the proper nutrients). On a side note though, my hair & nails have been growing wonderfully since taking these prenatals so I may just keep taking them forever!
Anways, this weekend I have noticed that I have been extra emotional. I feel like when I was taking shots & meds for my IUI cycles (like when a few days before finding out I wasn't pregnant on my 2nd IUI, I was watching the new Pete's Dragon & started sobbing uncontrollably thinking of Elliot being left all alone). I still won't let myself watch that movie ever again. Or during our 3rd & final IUI two week wait, when I started getting horrible cramps at Sunday family dinner. I went into my old,childhood room at my parents house & laid down on my old bed & couldn't stop sobbing. Now that I think about it, I feel like each time I did an IUI I just had a moment of incredible deep sadness & loss a few days before finding out the negative result.
But back to this weekend, I wasn't as sad as those past IUI months, but I just felt really emotional & like I couldn't stop the tears from coming the past 3 days. On Friday N & I watched a movie called, "A Man Called Ove". It was a movie based on a book that I had read. In the movie (& book) it has flashbacks from the man's life. It showed him & his wife, who was pregnant. They were on vacation in Spain & were on a tourist bus that crashed. His wife was injured, lost her baby, had to be in a wheelchair the rest of her life, & could never have children again. It just made me so sad & I could not stop crying.
Saturday was a more cheerful day. My sister & I went to Pilates together, then got lots of snacks & relaxed at our sister's pool eating white cheddar Cheetos, fruit, & dark chocolate ice cream bars. It was such a wonderful, relaxing day.
On Sunday I was reading a story from a magazine that really touched me. I started reading it aloud to N but I couldn't finish because the tears just started coming, so he read it aloud for me & then held me as I cried. It was just the perfect time for me to read that.
A few of the lines that really touched me:
"I had been comparing my circumstances with those of others, wondering if I had been forgotten. In that moment, a wave of peace washed over me. I could picture a loving, merciful God listening to my doubts and wanting me to have the patience and faith to see that He hadn’t forgotten me. Yes, I was doing my best to achieve righteous goals, and someday the Lord would bless me. I just had to trust in His timing. Blessings don’t always come when we think they will—sometimes not even in this life—but they do come."
“God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. … The promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.”
Then a few hours later at church, we had a meeting with the women of our ward & an older lady taught a lesson on music. She told a sweet experience on how a specific song had touched her & then we all sang the song. Then she ask others to share experiences they had with music & then we would all sing the song mentioned together. I had been thinking in my head about 2 songs that have really meant a lot to me both throughout my life & most specifically in these past 3 years. The first is I am A Child of God, which is a song that I have always sung since I was young & it always helps me to feel better & to feel loved. The 2nd is A Child's Prayer which has helped me feel my Heavenly Father's love especially through my hard times with infertility. I was thinking of this, but not wanting to share out loud when another woman raised her hand & said exactly what I was thinking in my head. Her favorite song was Child's Prayer & it had helped her when she was struggling with not being able to have a child. She started crying as she was saying this & it just touched me so much & made me feel like I was not alone. I know that there are so many people who struggle with infertility but sometimes it is so hard to not feel alone. I want to be better about sharing my experiences so that I can help others to feel that they are not alone. We sang A Child's Prayer together & tears silently streamed down my face.
Tomorrow is the day that I will be able to take a pregnancy test for this month. We haven't done an IUI this month, we are just in the process of waiting until a dr's appointment in June to begin IVF. Still, each month I hope that somehow we will get pregnant even though the chance is so small. I know that somehow & in some way we will be able to have a miracle child.
A Child's Prayer
I Am A Child of God
Beautiful mix with I can only Imagine + A child's prayer (kelsey edwards & loki alohikea)
I never knew what it would be like to want to have a child so badly but not be able to. To be going to countless doctor's appointments, paying thousands of dollars, getting shots in my stomach at home, & doing it all because I wanted a child so bad. I pictured graduating college, getting married, having a few years to travel, & then having 4-5 children. I didn't picture going through years of infertility, so many brokenhearted days, working at jobs year after year while wishing I could be a mom. I hear of people that can just choose what month they want to get pregnant & plan a specific vacation to get pregnant in a different country & it hurts so bad. I don't want others to have to struggle with infertility but I don't want it to be my struggle either. But it is part of my life & something that will make me stronger & a better mother when the time is right. I got an email back from my doctor's office today with the pricing & options for IVF & it just made me sad reading through & thinking of what if this doesn't work. What if all of this is for nothing. What if I can't get pregnant. I know that somehow N & I will be able to have children but it still hurts waiting & not knowing how exactly or when. I guess life just never goes how it's planned though & one day I will look back on this blog & these words & know that everything I have was worth the wait & that I needed this time to appreciate what I would have & learn & grow.
I love that Sundays are reserved for church, family time, & resting from the week. I have found that lately I just really need that extra reminder to think of others, ways to improve myself, & reserved time to spend with my husband & family. This Sunday church just seemed extra great. The only hard part about church is that every single person seems to have a baby or tons of children & it is just hard not to think about the fact that we can't have children when seeing that. I know that one day it will be our day though!
Something that helps me feel better sometimes is planning fun things for N & I to do that we couldn't do or it would be hard to do when we have kids. Of course I would love so much to have children right now, but at least we can do everything we can to get the most out of our time now. I wish I could plan a really fun trip for us right now since that is my favorite thing to do, but our money is all being saved for IVF & N can't really miss work for the next few months or years really...! But we can have lazy Saturday mornings & go on dates downtown & go camping.
I also have a goal to run a 1/2 marathon, I just need to choose one. I was starting to get back into running & train but then my dr told me to take it easy after each IUI so that made it hard. Now I am ready to get back into running & into great shape!
One of the most difficult things with infertility is that your hopes go up & then get dashed time & time again . When I met with an obgyn after a year of trying & not getting pregnant, they were convinced I could get pregnant taking Clomid. That didn't work & then I went to a specialist who told me I had great chances of getting pregnant on Femara. Didn't happen. Then I had an uncomfortable test done where they found my fallopian tubes were both completely blocked. I had a surgery that had a 30% chance of working & it worked, they were able to successfully unblock both tubes! We were so excited & I cried tears of happiness thinking this meant we would now be able to get pregnant. We had 3 chances of getting pregnant through IUI & each time we got our hopes up & dreamed of getting a positive pregnancy test. Each time, I had some of the hardest, saddest days of my life. Now we are in the stages of saving up for IVF & I am so scared about the many, many more shots, blood draws, & mostly about getting my hopes up again & wondering how much of this we can handle.
Wednesday night I had kind of a breakdown. I was just feeling so sad. I couldn't explain why, I just felt like I had this heavy weight on me that was making me feel so weighed down, stressed, & intensely sad. N & I got in an argument, mostly because I was moody, & we laid down to go to sleep. All of the sudden, I just stared sobbing & couldn't stop. I couldn't stop the tears from coming & my body shaking from sobbing. N rolled over & just held me & I was finally able to calm down & fall asleep. One of the things I was feeling so stressed about was my work. We are planning on doing IVF either over the summer or at the beginning of the school year & my work is so busy then. I was stressed about if this would work with my job or if I should start looking for a different job this summer. The next day, yesterday, I had a meeting with my boss & let her know my stressed about this. She was so kind & understanding & let me know that she was totally fine with me leaving work early any days I needed to go to appointments. It relieved a huge stress off of me & I decided I will stay with this job for next year. The other thing that of course is always weighing on me is the sadness of not being able to get pregnant & have a child. My sister has been visiting the past 2 weeks & it has been sooo nice to get time with her & get to hold her sweet little newborn boy. I have loved it so much. But a tiny part of me just feels so sad thinking "will I ever get the opportunity to hold my own sweet little baby?" I am so incredibly happy for my sister & she has been though soooo much with infertility procedures & I am in no way jealous of her, but just yesterday I was thinking that maybe my thoughts were making me sad. One thing I am a little concerned about is that I haven't had my period this month. I should have had it on Thursday, March 23rd, but never had it. I took a pregnancy test on the 23rd & the 27th, just in case, but both were negative. The past few days, my boobs have been huge, I have felt sad, moody, & emotional, & yesterday my stomach was just feeling weird, & today my stomach has been cramping. I know there is only a millionth of a chance that the pregnancy test was wrong, but I am just wondering why I am feeling so weird.