Sometimes I find myself feeling so discouraged. I get tired of having to time everything, saving money that is used so quickly on doctor's bills for treatments that have not worked, & just the feeling of wanting & hoping & dreaming of something so badly for so many years & it seems like nothing has changed. People that I remember saying they wanted to get pregnant now have children that are a few years old or several children & here I am still in the same place.
Yesterday I was feeling so stressed & discouraged. I got to work & my whole body just felt heavy & tired & thoughts of giving up on trying to get pregnant crowded my head. After work I went to watch the Bachelor with my little sister & was able to vent to her a little bit & then I got home & my sweet husband was home. We talked & I was able to feel a lot more peace about everything. Then he went to play basketball & I had a relaxing evening, watching The Profit & eating nachos & peanut butter cups. It was just what I needed.
There have been a few times where I have felt like giving up, but then I am blessed with a feeling of peace & a hope & a will to go on with this process. So for now, I will keep doing what I'm doing & keep praying to be guided to do what is right for our family.
Well, I did it, I set an appointment to meet with my fertility doctor again. It has been 3 1/2 months since my surgery. I have had one month of hoping that I would be able to get pregnant, but not. I set my appointment for the middle of March, so I will have 2 more chances of getting pregnant, hopefully, before meeting with my doctor. He wanted me to do and HSG test to make sure my fallopian tubes are clear & if they are, I am hoping to be able to do Femara for 2-3 months before going on to IUI's again. It is so weird thinking of going through all of these same things again but I am thankful that the surgery went so good & that we now have a chance to hopefully get pregnant! Lately I have been praying so much that Nate & I will be guided in our decisions & knowing what decisions to make with trying to get pregnant. I just want to make sure that if we are supposed to do something like become foster parents or look into adoption, it is not something that I have my mind closed of too. I really want to be able to have children & in which ever way God has in store for me. I know that no matter what, I will be a mother one day & I want to make sure that I am open to in what ways that can happen. Right now this is what I am feeling is right but that can always change in a moment:
try to get pregnant without fertility treatments
try to get pregnant without fertility treatments
do HSG test & get prescribed Femara (if my doctor approves) to start that month
use Femara (if doctor approves)
use Femara (if doctor approves)
look into/get prepped for IVF
I feel pretty strongly right now that this is the last year I can go through fertility treatments. So far, I have been going through fertility treatments for 4 years, so another year of treatments would be 5 years. (see below) I feel like my body can only handle so much & by doing everything that we have possibly been able to for the last year & for 2018, I feel like that is the most that I can do & the rest is in God's hands. I have had many, many people ask me why we don't just adopt or if that is something we are interested in. That is such an enormous decision & also a very expensive one. It's funny because when people ask about that, they ask it like it's just something so simple, "why don't you just adopt?" For my husband & I we feel good about pursing the fertility route for another year first. We have been praying & pondering about this for the past 4 years so it is not like it is something we haven't thought about. I feel like with adoption, it is something that both my husband & I would need to feel prompted to start the process & both be 100% on board & right now that is just not what we are feeling is right for us at this time. That could definitely change though & it is something that I have thought about a lot lately. Going through fertility treatments is something that is so emotional, time consuming, & expensive & I feel like we need to commit 100% to that route for another year. Anyways, those are just my thought right now.
Fertility Journey so far 2014-2018
2014-tried to get pregnant but were unsuccessful
2015-met with obgyn, tried clomid for 4 months, met with fertility specialist
2016- tried femara, had hsg test-was told my fallopian tubes were completely blocked, had surgery to unblock them, was told they were unblocked (was told by my new doctor & surgeon they were not even in my fallopian tubes because they were blocked by a septum) then did 3 IUI's- all unsuccessful, with femara
2017- IUI's, switched to new fertility doctor, surgery to remove septum
2018-this year, see plan above, hopefully this is our year!!!
Well, another month down & still not pregnant. This past month we hoped again to be pregnant. We knew we wouldn't be able to find out until after Christmas is I was pregnant, but I still had a little hope in my heart that maybe I was pregnant at Christmas but just wouldn't know it until after. Most of my family was staying until New Years Day so I pictured surprising them at our New Years Eve fondue party if we were pregnant. All of my sisters have been praying for me & hoping so badly that I could get pregnant the past 4 years. I took a pregnancy test on December 29th & it was not positive. Even though we were hoping so much it would be positive, I didn't let myself get as disappointed as I have been in the past because it just gets to hard. The hardest time for me was after our 3rd IUI because we both felt so much like it would work. I just couldn't let myself feel that sad again. Another really hard month was when we found out that we qualified for an IVF study where it would cost $1,600 instead of $16,000 but the study had just barely filled up. Both of those days & weeks & months were sooo hard & I remember just sobbing & sobbing uncontrollably. Sometimes you just need to cry but I remember those days & how hopeless & completely devastated I felt. I was able to pray for comfort & peace & feel that, but there was the complete sadness before that that just hurts me to think about.
The doctor who did my surgery has prescribed me metformin to regulate my cycle (I have been on it the past 3 years, but haven't been going to my fertility doctor since right before my surgery). They said they will give 2 months more to try to get pregnant naturally & if I don't get pregnant, they would like me to go to my fertility doctor so that is our plan. 2 more month hoping & praying that we will get pregnant without treatments. I am going to set up my appointment for 2 months from now so that if we aren't pregnant, we can have our appointment set & not have to worry about waiting for an appointment to open up. I am hoping so much that everything will work out.
We continue to have faith & feel hope about our future & I really do feel like this is our year!
Last month was what we thought would be the first chance we had to get pregnant. Unfortunately, I didn't have my period & I don't think I ovulated. I took about 7 tests to see if I did, but after they were all negative, I saved my pregnancy tests for the next month. Nate & I were disappointed to not even feel like we had a chance but luckily it was so busy with Thanksgiving & Christmas prep that the next few months went by pretty quickly. It was hard realizing that we wouldn't have a chance to be pregnant by Christmas though. We had been so excited thinking that it was possible we could be pregnant by Christmas & could surprise both of our families with the news. But I know there is a reason for everything. Maybe it is so that my sister who is trying to get pregnant won't feel sad because she isn't pregnant yet. We will see what the next month brings. I keep noticing nativity sets & pictures of Joseph & Mary with baby Jesus & that gives me comfort & peace.
“One day you will wake up and all of the waiting will have made sense. You will realize that all of the prayers that seemed to be tangled in worries were actually wrapped tightly in God’s grace. You will realize that even though before, you were certain it was over, you were actually...okay, and everything that was supposed to happen, happened. Everyone you were supposed to meet, you met. Everything you were supposed to do, you did. Everywhere you were supposed to go, you went. You will begin to realize that after all this time, because of His love for you, you have always been right where you needed to be.”
-Morgan Harper Nichols
Sometimes I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. Another month goes by & I'm not pregnant. I look at pictures on my friends' social media feeds & almost all of them have 2 or 3 kids or more. Or they are pregnant. It's hard not to compare & get down on myself. We had a meeting with a leader from our church yesterday & he was asking how we were doing. We had told him previously about our wish to be able to grow our family. He & his wife have adopted several kids from foster care & he told us that the birth mom of one of their children was having another child & was wanting to have them adopted. When I heard that I felt a moment where I thought how crazy/amazing that would be to have a baby, but then it was quickly filled with a feeling of anxiety & nervousness & not feeling right.
Nate & I talked about it after & we both still feel like we would like to try longer to be able to get pregnant. It is such a hard thing because who knows how long it will take or if I will ever get pregnant. But I know that things will work out in the way that they are supposed to. It is just hard because with couples that can get pregnant when they want to, they can just choose when to have children but for couples struggling with infertility it is so stressful & there are so many big decisions. Should we do fertility treatments? How far should we go? Should we do IUI? IVF? How many rounds should we do? How much money can we spend? How much money should we spend? What if we never get pregnant? Should we do adoption? Should we have foster children & hope to adopt? It is just so crazy & stressful & that is what we are in the midst of right now.
Luckily, Nate & I feel on the same page about things. We are not against adoption & it would be something we would do if we both prayed & felt really good about it. Right now we have both been praying & thinking about things & feel like we should spend some more time trying to get pregnant. I know that it sounds selfish & that if we did adopt in the future, they would still be just as much our children, but I would love so much to be able to go through the experience of pregnancy & labor & to have children that were a part of Nate & I.
So our plan is we try to get pregnant naturally for 2 more months (December & January). If that doesn't work, we meet back with our doctor & try just using Femara for 2 months. If that doesn't work then we will try IUI's. If those don't work, we will do IVF. I am hoping so bad that we can get pregnant naturally. It's just that we have already gone through so many years with all of these appointments, shots, tests, IUI's, & surgeries & it feels like almost a waste to just start them all over again. But we will have faith & continue to do what we feel is right. I have faith that it will all work out in the end & that it will be even better than we ever could have imagined.
One month down since we have had a chance to be pregnant & I am sad to say we are not. I was hoping so badly that we would be pregnant by Christmas & know that we were pregnant & have that happy little secret & surprise both of our families.
I pictured having a gift they would open with little baby shoes or a stuffed animal. I remember hoping that so badly last Christmas & the past 3 Christmas seasons. Last Christmas was the year that our IUI's were unsuccessful, the year before was when we were doing clomid or femara, & the year before was the year we were trying to get pregnant & hoping each month to have a positive pregnancy test, not knowing that hundreds of negative tests would be in our future.
Sometimes it is fun to get so excited thinking of how it will be when I am pregnant & when we have children. Sometimes it just hurts though, when you have had thoughts like that so many times but are still in the same place.
This Christmas season I am going to really try hard to serve others & think of others. I feel like I have been thinking about myself too much lately & this is the perfect time to forget myself & serve others. I have faith in my Heavenly Father that there is a reason that Nate & I have not had children yet. We have grown closer together & had experiences that we needed to have & when we do have children, I know it will be so much easier to recognize that. For now we will continue to have faith.
These past few weeks seem like they have gone by so slowly fertility wise. Right after I had my surgery I had my period (like
I went in for my post-op appointment yesterday. I got off work an hour early & met Nate at our house. Then we headed to the office, about an hour drive from our house. I was feeling stressed & nervous as usual. I wish I didn't feel so stressed but since the majority of my infertility doctor's appointments usual end up with me hearing bad/sad news, I can't help but feeling stressed. We got to the office/hospital & we immediately seen by one of the surgeons who had done my surgery, Dr. Wasson (Dr. Wasson & Dr. Magrina were the doctors who did my surgery). She was so nice & friendly & first answered any questions that we had.
Then she had me undress from the waist down. When she left the room I started undressing & took my shirt off too, then realized that I didn't need to do that. I put my shirt back on & all the sudden she was knocking on the door to come in. I grabbed the sheet & then sat down just in time! She used a speculum & tool to check how everything looked & how it had recovered from the surgery. She said that there was one little area that needed some nitrate to heal a little more, so she put that on. Everything else looked good, so overall it was good news!
I told her that my fertility doctor, Dr. Amols, had wanted me to come in for an HSG test to check my fallopian tubes but that we had wanted to try & get pregnant naturally for about 2 or 3 months first & she said that she thought that was totally fine & that from what she had seen we shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant naturally. I had also been a little worried because I haven't started my period yet this month & normally would started by Sunday or Monday. She said that when she was doing the test, it looked like I might start in the next day or two, so hopefully that happens! I am so thankful for Dr. Amols, Dr. Magrina, & Dr. Wasson. They are all so kind & have made this experience the best that it could have been. I feel so blessed that we have been able to have such amazing doctors. Dr. Wasson told us that when we get pregnant, to send pictures of our baby, because she usually doesn't get to see those results, just normally doing surgeries. I hope so badly that we can get pregnant. I am still hoping & praying that we might get pregnant by Christmas, but I trust in the Lord's timing.
After our appointment we went to Midici for an early dinner. We got their Italian salad which is soooo good, margherita pizza(also amazing), & a chocolate hazelnut gelato to share. It was fun having time to spend together & we were both so happy & relieved that everything looked ok. Nate was also very happy that the doctor had given us orders to try & make a baby, haha! After dinner we stopped at Last Chance & got some Christmas presents for each other. Then we listened to Christmas music on the drive home. I am so excited for Christmas already!!! I'm thankful for our answered prayers & feel so blessed that the surgery & my recovery went well.
I just heard some very sad news from a family member today. All I can say is that my heart is very heavy. When you are younger, it seems so fun to be a grown up & you can't wait until you get older. Then you get older & realize that being an adult comes with a lot of responsibilities & that you & others around you are struggling with huge issues. I have had a few family situations in the last year that have left me feeling so incredibly sad & so stressed thinking of what others are going through. & I don't know what to do to help. It has really helped me to realize that you never know what others are going through & that it is really important to not focus on yourself, but to do service for others because you never know how much it might mean to them. I have also really been thinking so much about how thankful I am to have such a loving husband & family members. Having a lot of money really means nothing & I think a lot of times it brings different challenges. Nate & I don't have a lot of money, but we have a loving marriage & we are always there for each other. Sometimes we fight but we are always able to overcome our challenges & I am so thankful for that. I guess really I just wanted to write this post to get my thoughts out & to remember how blessed I am.