I just finished the book, "When Breath Become Air" by Paul Kalanithi. It was such a wonderful, beautiful, & touching book & was just what I needed to read right now. It is a book written by a neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer & wrote the book the last 2 years of his life. He had such a beautiful way with words & it was so touching seeing the things he experienced, felt, & thought about as he was experiences such a huge trial. He had a wife & they were almost going to get divorced when he found got his diagnosis. It brought them close, saved their marriage, & they had a little girl 8 months before he passed away.
Hearing about their love & how strong they were was so touching. It made me think of how incredibly grateful I am for the marriage Nate & I have. Even though these past few years & most especially these past few months have been stressful, discouraging, & sometimes heartbreaking, I am so thankful for the love that Nate & I have for each other. I know that this trial has brought us closer & that we will be stronger & better parents because it. I felt like we had a strong marriage before, but there is something about going through a trial together that really cements you together.
Reading this book, made me think of the many trials that others go through, people that go through divorce, a spouse or child passing away, disease, medical complications, poverty, a spouse having an affair or addiction, there are so many sad things that go on & it breaks my heart when I think of the trials others go through. But it does give me peace to know that Heavenly Father is always there for us. It is when we are going through trials, that our true personality comes out & we must strive our best to show faith, hope, kindness, & love to each other & to others.
There have been days when I feel hopeless, but they usually end in me crying my eyes out, being held by Nate, & saying a prayer for comfort. Then I usually wake up feeling better & feeling peace & hope. I know that I am so blessed with the gospel, a wonderful husband, family that loves me, & the ability to have hope.
Today I go in to get my blood taken to see if Nate & I can qualify for an IVF test study. A few weeks ago we were preparing to start the IUI process. I had to go in to get an HSG test & make sure my fallopian tubes were not blocked and then a few days after that, we were supposed to schedule the IUI. When I had the HSG done, it showed that both of my tubes were completely blocked. It was so disappointing knowing that IUI would not be an option. Our 2 options now are a surgery to try & unblock my tubes and then if that works, 3 rounds of IUI. Or only other option is IVF, which costs $16,000. It was pretty disappointing news to hear that & to think of waiting another year until we can save up that amount of money. There is a study being done on invitro that I didn't quite qualify for because my AMH level was a little too low. The doctor wanted me to have my blood taken when I was dehydrated to see if the level would increase so I could qualify for the study. Nate & I have both been fasting & praying & we know it would be such a miracle if I could qualify. We will see how it goes! I know that even if I don't qualify, we will have a miracle somehow & that the Lord's timing is best. Since needles & shots are my worst fear, whenever I get a shot or my blood taken, I picture myself in Bali, surfing or walking along the beach. I'm so thankful that Nate & I were able to go on that trip. It was the trip of a lifetime & is something I will always remember.
Some of my favorite quotes from the book:
"In the end, it cannot be doubted that each of us can only see part of the picture. The doctor sees one, the patient another, the engineer a third, the alcoholic a sixth, the cable guy a seventh, the sheepfarmer an eighth, the Indian a ninth, the pastor a tenth. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world & is still never complete. & Truth comes somewhere above all of them."-Paul Kalanithi
"We were as inseparable as we had been as medical students, when we would hold hands during lectures. Now we held hands in his coat pocket during walks outside chemotherapy, Paul in a winter coat and hat even when the weather turned warm. He knew he would never be alone, never suffer unnecessarily. At home in bed a few weeks before he died, I asked him, 'Can you breathe okay with my head on your chest like this?' His answer was, 'It's the only way I know how to breathe.' That Paul & I formed part of the deep meaning of each other's lives is one of the greatest blessings that has ever come to me."-Lucy Kalanithi
“There is a moment, a cusp, when the sum of gathered experience is worn down by the details of living. We are never so wise as when we live in this moment.”