This weekend I was feeling so incredibly emotional. I'm not on any medication right now other than Metformin & prenatals (not pregnant, I have just been taking these the past 3 years hoping to get pregnant & make sure my body has all the proper nutrients). On a side note though, my hair & nails have been growing wonderfully since taking these prenatals so I may just keep taking them forever!
Anways, this weekend I have noticed that I have been extra emotional. I feel like when I was taking shots & meds for my IUI cycles (like when a few days before finding out I wasn't pregnant on my 2nd IUI, I was watching the new Pete's Dragon & started sobbing uncontrollably thinking of Elliot being left all alone). I still won't let myself watch that movie ever again. Or during our 3rd & final IUI two week wait, when I started getting horrible cramps at Sunday family dinner. I went into my old,childhood room at my parents house & laid down on my old bed & couldn't stop sobbing. Now that I think about it, I feel like each time I did an IUI I just had a moment of incredible deep sadness & loss a few days before finding out the negative result.
But back to this weekend, I wasn't as sad as those past IUI months, but I just felt really emotional & like I couldn't stop the tears from coming the past 3 days. On Friday N & I watched a movie called, "A Man Called Ove". It was a movie based on a book that I had read. In the movie (& book) it has flashbacks from the man's life. It showed him & his wife, who was pregnant. They were on vacation in Spain & were on a tourist bus that crashed. His wife was injured, lost her baby, had to be in a wheelchair the rest of her life, & could never have children again. It just made me so sad & I could not stop crying.
Saturday was a more cheerful day. My sister & I went to Pilates together, then got lots of snacks & relaxed at our sister's pool eating white cheddar Cheetos, fruit, & dark chocolate ice cream bars. It was such a wonderful, relaxing day.
On Sunday I was reading a story from a magazine that really touched me. I started reading it aloud to N but I couldn't finish because the tears just started coming, so he read it aloud for me & then held me as I cried. It was just the perfect time for me to read that.
A few of the lines that really touched me:
"I had been comparing my circumstances with those of others, wondering if I had been forgotten. In that moment, a wave of peace washed over me. I could picture a loving, merciful God listening to my doubts and wanting me to have the patience and faith to see that He hadn’t forgotten me. Yes, I was doing my best to achieve righteous goals, and someday the Lord would bless me. I just had to trust in His timing. Blessings don’t always come when we think they will—sometimes not even in this life—but they do come."
“God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. … The promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.”
Then a few hours later at church, we had a meeting with the women of our ward & an older lady taught a lesson on music. She told a sweet experience on how a specific song had touched her & then we all sang the song. Then she ask others to share experiences they had with music & then we would all sing the song mentioned together. I had been thinking in my head about 2 songs that have really meant a lot to me both throughout my life & most specifically in these past 3 years. The first is I am A Child of God, which is a song that I have always sung since I was young & it always helps me to feel better & to feel loved. The 2nd is A Child's Prayer which has helped me feel my Heavenly Father's love especially through my hard times with infertility. I was thinking of this, but not wanting to share out loud when another woman raised her hand & said exactly what I was thinking in my head. Her favorite song was Child's Prayer & it had helped her when she was struggling with not being able to have a child. She started crying as she was saying this & it just touched me so much & made me feel like I was not alone. I know that there are so many people who struggle with infertility but sometimes it is so hard to not feel alone. I want to be better about sharing my experiences so that I can help others to feel that they are not alone. We sang A Child's Prayer together & tears silently streamed down my face.
Tomorrow is the day that I will be able to take a pregnancy test for this month. We haven't done an IUI this month, we are just in the process of waiting until a dr's appointment in June to begin IVF. Still, each month I hope that somehow we will get pregnant even though the chance is so small. I know that somehow & in some way we will be able to have a miracle child.
A Child's Prayer
I Am A Child of God
Beautiful mix with I can only Imagine + A child's prayer (kelsey edwards & loki alohikea)