SADNESS & HOPE
This past weekend, we stayed with some friends that we used to live by. It was so great to see them & even though it had been 2 years, it felt like it had only been 2 weeks since we'd seen them. One of the days, as we were hiking, we got on the subject of having kids. I nervously shared that Nate & I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half & haven't been able to yet. Then my friend excitedly shared that she was actually pregnant. She told me that when she started trying to get pregnant, she had to wait a few months before getting pregnant, so there was hope for me. I am so happy for her that she is pregnant, but at the same time I felt so sad & had to hold back tears. When Nate & I got back to our car, I had a long, hard cry. I almost never cry, but lately I have been having some hard cries. I know that a 18 months isn't a tremendous amount of time to be waiting & many, many others wait much longer, including my sister who is a great example of a wonderful mother & always makes me feel better when I talk to her.
The rest of the visit, my friend kept talking about pregnancy symptoms & hard it was to not be able to feel like eating anything when she loved eating so much. It was hard for me to not say anything & act sympathetic when I would give anything to be pregnant & have a baby. I don't blame my friend for hurting my feelings because I know she didn't mean to & I am so excited for her to be a mom.
I did decide that if & when I do get pregnant, I will do everything I can to be sympathetic for others that might be struggling with infertility. I will be so grateful to be able to be pregnant, & I will do everything I can to be the best mother & to appreciate every moment. I am writing this down so I remember, but I promise myself that I will not complain about pregnancy, no matter how uncomfortable I may be. I am so excited for the day when I will be pregnant & the excitement that will bring. Nate & I already have baby names picked out & I scared Nate a little the other day by sharing some baby names that would go together cute in case we have twins when I get pregnant (for some reason I have always had a feeling I would have twins). I have hope for the future & am trying to do everything I can to prepare to be a mother. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father & even though this experience of infertility has brought sadness, I know that I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father, learned to be more sympathetic of others & unseen trials they may be going through, & I know that when I do have a child or children, I will have a deep appreciation for them & the role of being a mother.
I know that everything worth waiting for is worth it. I didn't get married until I was 26 which is old in Mormon time. When I am sad about not being pregnant yet, I think about waiting to meet Nate & get married. I had so many experiences before getting married that I am so thankful for. If you asked me right when I graduated, I would have said I wanted to get married at that time, but now I can see that the timing of meeting Nate & getting married was perfect for both of us. I know that is how it will be when we have our first child, that I will be thankful for the time leading up to having them and the strength and closeness with the Lord that I gained. But in the moment it is harder to see. I am thankful for the experiences I have had as well as the trials. I know that they strengthen me and bring me closer to my Father in Heaven. I know that the Lord knows best and I trust Him and His timing.
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." -Joseph F. Smith.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6