One day, I will be a mother. Right now I don't know when that day will be. The pregnancy test I took on Friday at 4am came back negative/ not pregnant. I am still too sad & raw from the experience. I have moments of complete sorrow & despair but I also have moments of hope & love. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster the past few days. I have felt moments of feeling like I am completely alone but I have also felt my Heavenly Father's love for me. I know that I am never truly alone & that I will be able to get through this day, this week, this month, and however long until this trial is taken from me. I also know that trials make us stronger & that once we have children, we will have different trials that stretch us & make us grow stronger. I feel discouraged that we don't have IUI as an option anymore & I am terrified of the thought of IVF & the many more shots, test, & stress it will bring. But I also have faith & trust that if it is right for us, we will know & will be able to get through it. After finding out that our test was negative, I had a very long hard day of work. Then N & I drove up to San Diego. The drive was nice to be able to be together, have uninterrupted time to talk, & for me to cry & be comforted by N. I had felt so completely alone & such utter sadness as I was driving home from work, crying uncontrollably, like I only have a few times in my life. I said a prayer in my head that I would feel loved & I felt my answer to that prayer as N made me feel so loved on our long drive. I will write more later, but the weekend was good for us but also hard in some ways. It was so good to be busy, go on a date Saturday, go to the beach & Con Pane, go to church, & spend lots of time with family. It was hard having family dinner & having N's cousin announce they were having a baby. I was happy for them but wished so much that we had been announcing that we were having a baby instead of trying to push away tears. Through it all, I still have faith & hope & always will.