Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I am not able to get pregnant. Ashamed that my body is not able to get pregnant. Ashamed that my body is the problem that causes our infertility. Ashamed when people ask me how many children I have or when I want to have children, as if it that simple. Ashamed when other mothers talk about how they can plan out when to get pregnant to avoid giving birth in the summer or planning a special trip to get pregnant. Ashamed when others (& there have been many) tell me that I just need to relax & everything will work out. Ashamed when my friends have 3 or more children. Ashamed that I don't fit in with friends with kids. Ashamed that I can't relate to them & they can't relate to me. Ashamed at the thousands & thousands of dollars that we have spend & years & years with no success. Ashamed thinking, should we have saved that money & used it to adopt? Ashamed at the sadness & despair I fear & the many times I have sobbed to myself alone.
But I know that I am never really alone. I have nothing to be ashamed about. I am a beautiful daughter of God & He has a wonderful plan for me, much greater than I could ever imagine. I know that one day I will look back on my blog posts & realize that going through these hard years has made me stronger. I will have children some day, some way, of that I am sure & this trial will make me a better mother. It will make me appreciate my children more that I ever possibly could if I wasn't praying for them so much & wanting them so much now. My husband & I have prayed hundreds & hundreds of prayers both together & on our own, praying that we can have children & praying for our future children. I know that some day we will be parents & we will never take that for granted.