Well, despite trying my best to not get my hopes up, I still had high hopes as I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning. I made myself stay in bed until 6am this time, feeling excited like it was Christmas morning. I took the test then tidied up in the kitchen for the 3 minutes I needed to wait before checking. As I checked it I was almost sure it would be positive, after all my sister got pregnant on her 2nd IUI. She is now pregnant with her 2nd child (her due date was yesterday) & I had always thought we would have kids at the same time or at least be pregnant at the same time. I had thought, how fun it would be to surprise her when I went to see her new baby & to be able to tell her I was pregnant.
But instead, I looked at the one line, not pregnant, crawled back into bed & into my husbands arms, and sobbed. We said a prayer & then I continued to cry, trying to fall asleep, unsuccessfully, to try & take the pain & heartbreak away. We got out of bed a few hours later, made some breakfast, & then cuddled together, watching Series of Unfortunate Events & trying to not feel sad. Later in the day we went to my cousin's baptism & had dinner at my aunts. It was nice to be surrounded by family & to not think so much about the earlier results. Although at the baptism a girl sang a song about a child & how they were chosen & given to their mother & I couldn't help by have tears come to my eyes. I don't know how much longer this period of waiting will be. Sometimes I just feel so sad & empty. On Sunday after church I just had this sadness come over my whole body. It comes & goes. I know that I have so much to be grateful for & that it is ok to let myself be sad & grieve for a little. Each time we have disappointing news, it is heartbreak. But one day, we will get happy news & our hearts will be filled with joy & the heartbreak will feel like it was but a moment.
Even though I feel so sad sometimes, it does not rule my life. I have more happiness than sadness. I have more happy days & moments than sad. Here are some tender mercies in my life:
1. My husband- I feel so incredibly grateful for my husband & the wonderful marriage we have. I couldn't ask for a better husband than him. He is always there for me& I know that I can talk to him about anything. He supports me in all that I do. He never gets angry at me, he is so understanding. He is constantly thinking of nice things he can do for me like running me a bath, doing the dishes, scratching my back, giving me massages, finding a chick flick I can watch, & making me laugh. We really have such an amazing marriage & both love coming home to each other each day. There is no where we would rather be than with each other.
2. My family- I am so thankful for my wonderful parents, in-laws, & sisters. I am so thankful for the love & support they give us. They are always praying for us & thinking of us. I am so thankful that I live so close by my parents & Brooke & Brittany. It is so much fun being around them & also having them to talk to & cheer me up. I know I can always count on them to be there for me & I am thankful I can also help them.
3. The gospel- I am so thankful to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the gift of prayer, the scriptures, the temple, & uplifting talks & church meetings. I know that I am never truly alone & that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.
4. Our home- I am so thankful for our wonderful home. It is beautiful & comfortable & a place of peace for us. I am grateful to live in a beautiful neighborhood with nice neighbors & to live close by family.
5. Our puppy- I'm so grateful for our puppy & for the timing we got him. I know Heavenly Father just knew that we needed something to take care of & something to make us laugh. He is so cute & he is always so excited to see us, waging his tail & jumping up so high in the air. He is the sweetest dog & is our little shadow. He sits & cuddles by us when we are having a hard day & is playful when we need to laugh.
6. Our jobs- I'm thankful that Nate & I both have jobs so that we can have money to live comfortably, have savings, & pay for fertility treatments.
7. A good doctor- I'm grateful to have a great doctor & wonderful nurses & to know that I am getting the best care possible.
8. A beautiful world to live in.
9. A healthy body- I am so happy that I am able to go running, work out at the gym, go hiking, & do so many wonderful things!
10. The outdoors- I love being able to be outside & feel the sun on my face & to also have rainy days when N & I can have hot chocolate & cuddle up inside listening to the rain. I am so thankful to live in a beautiful place.
11. Traveling- We have been so blessed to be able to travel the world together the past few years. I the past 3 years, we have been to Mexico, Canada, Oregon, Washington, California, Arizona, Idaho, Utah, Belize, Guatemala, Indonesia, Taiwan, Germany, Italy, Austria, & France. We have made so many wonderful memories that we will always be able to look back on with happiness. I will forever be grateful for these trips & wonderful memories we have been able to make together & the special bond it has given us being able to travel & experience new places & cultures together.
We really are so blessed. Though we haven't been able to have children yet, we have so many things to be grateful for & truly lived blessed lives.